I've never been so sad

On November 1, 2009 at 2:00pm I will lay to rest my precious Faith. The casket is ordered and it is way to small to hold everything she means to me. The burial container will hold the pink trinket box where she sleeps on a bed of miniature pink rose petals.

My body wants to collapse in a ball of sobbing tears, I can FEEL the grief, I just can't experience it.

I am having such a hard time grieving for my baby girl. Just thinking about her brings tears to my eyes. With everything our family has been through I just can't openly grieve for this sweet innocent child. When I do, Hubby feels like he needs to comfort me, hold me, whatever...I don't want that. He damaged everything we were and this baby is mine, not ours. I'm sure the residual anger is what drives these emotions. Do I want him to feel guilty? Maybe. Do I want this to absolutely kill him, probably. As long as he suffers on his own time, not mine.

I just cannot completely embrace moving forward with him. He killed everything we worked so hard for. Without a second thought of what the long term consequences would be to our relationship as co-parents, the lives of our children, the damage done to the relationships with extended family members...nothing, he just walked in with a blow torch and flipped the switch.

There is one friend I wish could be with me to hold me on the day we lay Faith to rest and I know he will be there in thought and spirit. He will put his arms around me and hold me strong for my kids. I feel his love everyday, it keeps me strong. I miss him dearly. Thank you 'C' for being you, nobody understands me like you do and I know that when I pray for peace, God hears me and comforts you.