Thursday, November 5, 2009

A fresh Start

Sunday was a day of peaceful reflection. Last week as we made preparations to lay our daughter to rest each step caused pain and brought peace. The flowers were absolutely perfect. The casket was perfect, the service was better than I could have imagined.

Have you ever seen anything more beautiful? We had enough room inside to put gifts for each of the four children we have lost. As we decided what to put inside it became obvious why Faith was given to us.

I have struggled for some time about why God gave us Faith Hope. I can clearly see why I have lost each of the children before her and I could not, for the life of me figure out why this pain and loss would be brought to me again. On Saturday it all came together; here's my theory.

Had my second pregnancy (Jordan Kelly) been carried to term I would not have met Hubby. At the time I met him I would have been a single mom with a very young baby and a toddler at home...not at the bar on a Tuesday night to play pool!

When we lost Sam, it was at a time in our marriage when I was the one looking for a divorce and well on my way out the door. Hubby had told me he wanted no more children (a deal-breaker we had discussed at length before marriage) and I was moving on with my life - as soon as the bills were paid off I was going to be gone. Along came Sam and taught us a very important lesson about love, and forever.

Thanks to Sam I was able to have the most wonderful 30th birthday imaginable. On that morning (April 9, 2004) I took a pregnancy test that was positive...eight months later we were blessed with #4.

In 2007 we decided to add one last child to our crew. We knew that #'s 1-3 would have their own lives and probably be long gone before #4 was old enough to enjoy having siblings. Both hubby and I had siblings and could not imagine #4 growing up as an only child.

About one week after the decision was official I began having pregnancy symptoms. We were so shocked to find we were already expecting and decided it must have been meant to be. We named that baby Peanut and called him our "meant to be baby." At our 11 week ultrasound there was no heartbeat, our baby was gone.

I resolved to continue to believe it was meant to be and that the pain would have some purpose.

If we had not lost Peanut we would not have been blessed with the miracle that was #5. We took a pregnancy test one month after the D&C procedure that came back positive. Immediately we went to the doctor who told us it was likely just left over hormones from the pregnancy. They took blood every other day for the next week...we were definitely expecting again.

At our appointment to verify the results, the doctor told us to not get our hopes up. There was no way my body was ready to carry a baby and it was called an "non-viable pregnancy." As the weeks went on we stayed hopeful yet cautious. I was four months from finishing nursing school and none of it was going to be overly strenuous.

At 13 weeks gestation our lives would once again be turned upside down. I took a bathroom break right before attending a post-clinical session. I was hemorrhaging. OMG...not again...not me...not now...not here. I calmly walked to the classroom and told my instructor what was happening and went downstairs to the ER. They sent me back upstairs to the OB unit who then sent me back downstairs because I was not yet 20 weeks.

The ER staff was less than stellar in regards to pregnancy complications and emotional care. My contractions were nine minutes apart, my husband was 12 hours away, I was alone. Hard to imagine it got worse at this amniotic sac ruptured. I pressed the call light and was attended to by an ER Tech who had no idea what was going on. As he walked out I heard him tell the nurse at the desk, "She says, her water broke." Again I was left alone for what seemed like forever. The doctor eventually came in to examine me and what I remember the most was him telling me that he could not visuallize my cervix because there was too much bool and fluid.

When I pressed the call light because I needed to use the bathroom I asked the nurse to cath me (place a tube into my bladder to drain the urine so I wouldn't have to get out of the bed). She denied my request and said it wouldn't matter. The doctor was outside my room when I went to the bathroom and I told him my contractions had stopped. He shrugged his shoulders saying it was just because the pressure had decreased and they would start again as soon as the pressure built up again.

I was sent upstairs to spend the night. the next morning I was counselled about what would be happening: an ultrasound would be done to confirm "fetal demise" then a D&C would be performed. Well "BULLSHIT" said my baby!! The ultrasound findings were a shock to everybody. The baby had a strong heartbeat and the fluid had built back up to a reasonable level.

A "partial abruption with a retained clot" was the diagnosis. The doctor came in and looked very grim. My options were to have a D&C before going home, or going home to wait for the baby to die and return for the procedure "by the end of the week at the latest" (this was on a Tuesday). We were told this was now an "inevitable abortion" based on the events the night before. No pregancy could continue after an abruption of that size. Add to that the ruptured membranes and my baby's death was certain.

We decided to wait. I couldn't kill my baby. Even knowing how it would end; I was going to embrace everyday of this pregnancy. I needed time to process this.

Well long story short (or not so long) we now have a healthy, happy (most days) almost two year old. Every doctor involved with our care has dubbed him a miracle and for once I don't question them!

I'll tell more of his story later.