Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Just as I Thought

I admitted myself in to the hospital on Sunday to adjust my medication and ensure my continued health and strength. I knew I needed a boost of something to get over the rough spot.

The doctor increased one medication.

Last night Hubby came to see me after an appointment with his psychiatrist to tell me that he was moving back in to the home, filing for divorce and fighting for custody.

Thankfully because I had gone in to the hospital voluntarily I could be discharged to come home and take care of things. The staff was concerned about my stress level and the possibility of a conflict when I returned home and I assured them that if there was conflict I would not hesitate to seek outside assistance.

Of course Hubby said that he thinks me coming out of the hospital was a bad idea and that I only told the staff what I thought was necessary to get out of there. My health is too important to screw around with; I would not have left had I thought it not best. Also, I believe that the professionals who authorized the discharge have had enough experience to know when they are being snowed...even I'm not THAT GOOD!

When he left the house last night I immediately picked up the phone and called up to the hospital to let the staff know that I was okay and things were fine for the night.

This morning I called the hospital again to update them on my status and request a phone call from my psychologist to check in and let her know how it was going for me. I then made a call to social services to talk to the social worker our family has been working with. She was also concerned about my decision to leave the hospital and I reassured her the best I could that if I needed assistance I would not hesitate to ask. I have an excellent record of seeking out services for myself and my family when required. My mental health is not something I am ashamed of. I actively manage my illness with the help of medical professionals.

It is disheartening to think that my open and honest regard to my mental health would be used against me. It is no wonder some people choose to not seek services...and it was one of my concerns, that doing so would be somehow used against me. Society misunderstanding mental illness may come back to hurt me in a custody hearing. I am not willing to risk my health because of other people's misconceptions.

If I had cancer would this hospitalization even be an issue? Not likely. If I had diabetes and needed a medication adjustment would being admitted be held against me...doubt it.

I will continue to do what manage my illness however I need to in order to stay well. It's what I need to do for myself and my children.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Thunder Struck

I am very upset. I have spent the past two months trying to keep things as 'normal' in our house for myself and the children. I've rolled my eyes as many people have said that they couldn't do what I do and put up with all I have put up with; I roll my eyes because I'm not doing anything a parent who loves their kids shouldn't do...

The first few weeks were very difficult trying to sort out my emotions ensuring the needs of the kids are being met.

Now, here I am. The kids are at their Dad's place and I have slept the day away on the couch. The door is locked and I'm ignoring the phone when it rings. None of these are good signs as far as my emotional status is concerned.

I've noticed a downward trend in my health and of course played it down. Yesterday I finally contacted my doctor and he prescribed Atavan to see if it would help. So far it hasn't and I hate this.

My psychologist wonders if I need to be hospitalized; probably. I'm going to be gong through a nasty divorce and custody fight...being locked up in the loony bin ain't gonna look good.

She has tried to drill in to me that the alternative (not taking care of my mental health) is a mistake. On one level I get this. I understand. On the other hand, I am so afraid of being 'outed' and people are gong to think I don't deserve my kids, THEN WHAT?

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

State Programs

I applied today for assistance from the state. I qualify for food stamps and probably the Displaced Worker Program (DWP).

I'm not sure how DWP works exactly (I have to meet with another worker at the local Work Force Center). It's a four month program to help people enter or re-enter the workforce after long periods of absence. They expect you to spend 32 hours per week looking for employment. I am interested to see how they expect this from a single parent unable to find daycare for her children? Am I supposed to bring them with me?? Not very likely to get a job offer with a baby on your hip.

During DWP a family of four is eligible for a $621/month grant. Any child support received is deducted from this amount. Then they vendor pay utilities and such. If there is any money left over they can disperse up to $70.00 per family member as a cash grant. As long as hubby continues to pay the mortgage I will be getting the full $280.00 available for our family.

If I get a job within the four months the amount I make does not reduce my DWP grant; food support benefits will be reduced.

At the end of the four month program you then transition to the MFIP (Minnesota Family Investment Program).

I can't imagine what it will be like to have $280/month to spend! I'm gong to feel like a millionaire!

I'm not sure if I shared this yet; I received notification last week about a family fund that has allocated money to needy people in the area. I'm not sure how they decided or how many people are getting this money; our family is being awarded a $200 voucher. It can be used for clothing, diapers, gasoline, utilities, and/or food.

I have been trying to figure out which vendor I want it made out to. When I think of clothing I think $200 is an enormous amount of money considering I never buy anything that isn't on sale! I won't need it for utilities because the state will be paying for them. I have food stamps for food. I feel like using it for clothing is greedy or frivilious even though none of my kids have a decent outfit to wear. That's it...a 'nice' outfit for each of the kids (maybe even two nice outfits)! This is great timing because #3 has confirmation at the end of April and none of us have anything decent to wear!

The one condition attached to the voucher is that you have 14 days to redeem it. I have no idea how to spend that kind of money is such a short time anymore!! I am going to try to enjoy figuring it out though, a treat for all of us! Even if it is just one day, I am going to feel good about myself and enjoy shopping again...oh ya, never mind...I'll have the kids with me!! lol
I know it's time to hire an attorney. I need to start puting protections in place for myself and my kids. I just can't do it.

I was thinking about this the other day and it hit me...I still love him. I cannot accept this new reality for our family. I am deeply in love with the man that I married. I want my husband back. I am lonely for him.

At the same time I just want to have a man in my bed and not just a one night stand. I want to have somebody to cuddle up with every night as I fall asleep. I want to reach my foot over in the middle of the night just to make a connection. I want somebody to tell me I am beautiful when me and my Medussa head crawl out of bed in the morning. I want to stand in a hot shower in the arms of my lover, my friend. When I get dressed up I want somebody other than #4's classmates to think I am hot!

UGH...I hate this. Hopefully I can work through these issues.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Living without cash

Now that Hubby has decided to not give me ANY cash, it is amazing how little my life has actually changed...this was quite the eye opening week for me.

He paid the mortgage payment ($264.41), the phone/internet, ($62.18), auto insurance ($64.21) and the furniture payment ($116.84).

When I mentioned things like toilet paper and diapers, he went out and purchased diapers and toilet paper...when I questioned his choice of diapers (Parent's Choice Brand) he commented that he could only buy what he could afford...rrrreeeeeeaaaaaaallly? So, your money only goes so far??? REALLY?? WOW!!

I have exactly $0.00 to spend on clothing, gas, dining out, entertainment, and whatever else people spend money on. It probably will come as a shock to Hubby that this is EXACTLY HOW I'VE BEEN LIVING FOR ALMOST A YEAR ALREADY!! The decision to no longer provide cash is a form of punishment. He is angry and hurt and does not have the intellectual ability to process his emotions in a manner other than that of a four year old...

On Wednesday, #3 told me she was out of hair gel and I needed to drive to the store (46 miles round trip) to pick some up. I told her that I did not have the cash available to make the purchase so she could chose to use my products, go without, call and ask her dad to pick some up for her, or use her own money to buy it (at triple the price) at the local convenience store. She did call her dad who couldn't help because he was out of town for work. I know she hasn't been using my products so I guess she's learning to live without! As for my products...I only use product on my hair on 'special occasions'. I have one bottle of spray gel that has lasted me almost four months already...not many special occasions going on in my world!!

Now that Hubby is back in town, I did ask him for garbage bags and coffee. I then told him that I will not be reduced to begging for the things we need in this house. I have filed for child support and have made the decision to cut wherever I can until the courts make their decision. He says that whatever bills he pays will be counted as child support by the court. Well, I called and the money he pays towards "certain necessities will be taken in to account when determining his arrears." I can't imagine any judge being impressed by his behavior!

I was also told that it can take MONTHS for the courts to make a decision. It amazes me that there are not faster reliefs in place for situations such as mine. I called the county and was told I have to drive to their office to reapply for benefits based on not getting any money from Hubby. I asked if they were going to send me a check. The worker, of course, said no. I asked if she was going to pick me up, and was again told no. Well then, how did she expect me to pay for gas to drive the 90 mile round trip? I am still waiting for an answer. Maybe by tomorrow (Monday) she'll have an answer...I sure hope so because I am out of food stamps and need milk and bread...the closest food shelf is a 46 mile round trip.

Let me get this straight...I have no money for food. The county requires me to drive 90 miles to apply for assistance. I cannot feed my children (or myself) yet they expect me to, what, pee in the gas tank???

I tell you what though, I sure am anxious to get to the end of the month and do the autopsy for March!!

Friday, March 20, 2009

I need a break

I have never imagined my life would be where it is right now.

It never occurred to me that I would end up a single parent again. If I had even imagined it a possibility I would not have had more children. I strongly believe children need both parents in the home. Mom here and Dad there isn't enough. It is not natural, it is not normal...it takes two to bring these children in to the world for a reason. It takes two to raise a child. The job is meant for both parents, not just one.

I love being a mom, it is what I was born to do. I hurt for my children having to feel pulled between two houses (an possibly no home). How do people expect children to grow to their full potential when they do not have the opportunity to plant a solid base? If you uproot a newly planted tree every other weekend and twice during the week guess what happens?? It cannot be sustained, even with the best of intentions.

I don't understand how people can make the decision with a clear conscience to force their children in to a situation they never asked to be in and think 'everything will be just fine.'

I cannot bring myself to call a lawyer. I have not yet accepted the permanence of the situation. I'm in a very tough spot right now. Hubby has not taken any action (and is seemingly refusing to as he waits for ME to make the next move). I think he is enjoying the feeling of having power over me. I wish he knew that he has no power over me and that I could also make the first move to file...I could...but I 'can't'.

I believe my husband is very sick and I do not have the right to walk away from him...even though it was he who walked away...

His health is completely out of my hands. Understanding this is one thing, accepting it and standing here watching him get worse by the day is another...remember..."For better or worse, In SICKNESS and in health."

So yes, I need a break. I need to be able to completely disconnect from life for a few days and just find my footing again. This past two months have been a roller coaster bigger than either the one at WEM or Marineland. At least those ones I WANTED to be on :)

I would love to be able to go away for a week with the kids somewhere fun and exciting...anybody giving out trips to Florida?? The cost is obviously prohibitive.

Right now I don't even remember what my business goals are but here's what I am thinking RIGHT NOW:
  1. Pay off credit card ($3500)
  2. Build a financial cushion ($4000)
  3. Save up enough to get the hell out of dodge for two weeks and maybe bring a babysitter ;)
Actually, I'd really just like to get the hell out of dodge for two weeks and not worry about everything else (including the financial ramifications) until I get back.

I hear Florida and North Carolina are nice this time of year. I wonder if I could do both in two weeks..........

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


Just wanted to pop in and let you know I am still here.

I am battered, bruised, and nearly broken. The consequences of the mistakes I made this past week are beginning to become known. It is so difficult not being able to remember the details so I have no alternative but to wait it out. I have no idea what the next few weeks are going to bring for me and my children.

I cannot express my regret deeply enough. The processing of this new reality is taking a very big toll on me emotionally and physically. I am tired and very sad.

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Here we go

Hubby has decided he can't and shouldn't have to supply financing for both houses. Remember way back I asked how long this would last...I guess you can say it never started because I did not receive the agreed upon amount in February and he has not yet 'decided' how much money he is going to give me. Instead of depositing ANY money into the checking account he paid the mortgage and took the rest of his check...I don't know if he cashed it or opened his own account; it doesn't matter to me. What DOES matter is that I have a total of 9 diapers and less than a quarter tank of gas in my car...when he took the kids for a couple hours tonight he asked for diapers and such and I replied that he'd have to figure that out by himself because I could not afford to supply both houses. When he returned I asked if I could have money to put gas in my car; he threw $50.00 on the counter and said, "Ya, I guess so." I'll buy diapers and put whatever is left in the gas tank I guess.

He's leaving for an extended trip for work so I hope no emergency arises while he's gone because I'll have no way to cover it...

I called and asked what I was supposed to do if a need arose while he's away and I needed money. His answer, "I don't know. Can I say good night to #4?" I let him say good night to #4 with the intention of finishing the conversation after they were finished. Well, as he some times does, #4 hung up the phone after he said good-bye. I tried to call Hubby back and now he is not answering his phone...pretty childish if you ask me! I left a message saying I had a question to ask and would appreciate it if he returned my call.

Ironic that this is actually the first paycheck he's had since he moved out that is more than $750.00 and now he has a problem paying. I know we talked last week about figuring something out so he has some money left. Now he says that HE will decide which bills he feels like paying over here and for the rest, maybe I should,"Get off (my) ass and get a job" to pay for the rest.

I guess my first priority now is to cut EVERYTHING that is not a necessity (such as cable TV)...guess that's the only non-necessity we have right now...better figure a few things out as far as trimming my budget even more...

I guess this is my punishment for getting drunk and taking my bubbling anger out on him. Yes, I was wrong for the things I do remember doing; and probably for the things I don't remember...We all screw up don't we?

My first reaction was one of absolute shock and amazement...really? Was he really okay with cutting his kids off financially? Does he not think I've been trying to figure out a way to make money? HELLO...did you miss the whole "home based business" thing??

After taking a few deep breaths, I'm a little better. That's fine, you let social services decide what you pay, I can guarantee you that they will be MUCH less willing to negotiate a dollar amount than I would have been.


These past few days have not been very productive. I made some HUGE judgment errors and unfortunately don't remember a lot of the details.

I decided a long time ago that I could no longer drink alcohol. I do not know when to stop. I have proven it to myself time and time again; so finally I decided no more drinking. Some how I convinced myself that taking two bottles of wine to a book club meeting was a good idea...doofus.

I drank too much, made an absolute ass of myself, and probably sealed the fate of my marriage. Once again, I remember why I don't drink...

Monday, March 9, 2009

Another Busy Day

Not quite sure why but today seemed to fly on by and I think I missed it!! I took #4 to the dentist for a cleaning and I think that's where my clock went awry. We didn't have to get up and go right away so we were just hanging out this morning and then we got back and it was nap time, snack time, and now it's already passed bed time! Whew...I like to stay busy!

I am ready for my Business Debut next Monday. I am so excited while a little nervous at the same time. What if nobody shows up, what if nobody buys anything? What if nobody books a show?

My sales director mentioned about starting to book shows and I said that I thought it best to wait until the debut. I don't want to seem too pushy and put people off. I also know that the week of the debut is going to be very busy...

I am going to Winnipeg to pick up #5 this weekend, the debut is Monday night, Tuesday is our unit meeting, Wednesday is church, and Friday I am going to the Career Conference. I think it's best to let things fall in to place for the time being while still promoting my business and learning the ropes.

I'm trying to figure out some sort of incentive program for encouraging people to book parties. I know Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, graduations and proms are all coming up in the next few months, then it's wedding season. I want to be able to book a few appointments in the very near future (up to and including the first week of April) and then some near the end of April to take advantage of the upcoming celebrations.

To start with I would like to have at least two bookings per month. That way I can get my feet wet and build confidence as I go. Depending on how the open house goes next week I may start holding one per week right off the bat, you just never know.

I think I would like to set up a quarterly open house, or maybe even twice a year. This way people wouldn't have the imposition of putting on a party and they would get to see the new products; we'll see.

One idea I saw in the training material is to set up a 'Mystery Hostess' show at my house and have a drawing to determine who receives the hostess rewards. Maybe I could do it at the church one day.

One of the 'show' ideas is to have a customer hold a 'Web Show' where there would be no actual party, the hostess would invite her friends and family to make purchases on my personal website on a specific day (usually a 24 hour period). I think this will work best for people who are already established customers.

Only time and will tell. I'm going to bed. I'll leave you tonight with a thought that has really helped easy my stress this past couple weeks.

"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Mathew 6:27,34)

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Will Sleep Return?

I didn't sleep well last night. What made it even worse was that there was nothing on TV to compensate. Everything on MSNBC was reruns, CNN had nothing interesting, and by the time I realized sleep and I would not be getting together last night it was too late to take anything to aid the process.

Yesterday took an emotional toll on my brain. It was just one of those 'is it ever gonna end?' days.

I took #4 grocery shopping at 6:00pm to pick up a few things I needed to finish making chili to serve after church. I accepted donations to go towards the March of Dimes and raised $43.00.

I have no idea what I even want to write today, I just know that I have to download.

I am so torn with moving on. On one hand it's a no-brainer; he doesn't respect me or our marriage and is showing no interest or effort to make things work. On the other hand this still isn't happening; we said for better or worse...what the heck happened? How can I walk away from a marriage I committed to forever...

Is it me walking out though? No, I'm right here, I haven't gone anywhere. Why do I feel guilty for puting an end to this limbo? You know why?? I'll tell you why.

I feel guilty because I always said "forever"...no ifs, ands, or buts. I struggle knowing that I may take steps that lead towards the end. I am tired of waiting for him to do something one way or the other. I can't control what direction he heads, I can control how it affects my life and my future. If he is so sure he wants a divorce why has he not done anything about it? Why has he not filled out the legal aid forms to get a lawyer? Why has he not filed any papers with the court? I think that he is waiting and pushing my buttons so that I am the one who makes the move because he's too damn chicken-shit.

When I hear myself think like that I wonder if these are rational thoughts or is it just anger and hurt talking. What if I make my decision and decide to hire a lawyer and file for divorce only to have him decide he'd rather stay married? Then it's 'my fault' we get divorced...bull shit...it's not my fault he walked out and abandoned me. It's not my fault he would rather make decisions in haste as long as somebody else does the follow through. It's not my fault he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

When I get mad I want to answer the kids' questions with brutal honesty...

"Why are you getting divorced?"

"Because your dad is an immature prick who thinks I will come crawling back and apologize for all his shortcomings as a man and a father."

"Because Daddy would rather put you kids through a divorce (breaking the one promise we vowed to never, under any circumstances, break) then face his own demons and look at his contribution to this mess we are in now."

More than once I've had to swallow that second answer...it's come real close at times, yesterday it may have even reached my lips had the question been asked.

I'm going to lay down with #4 and have a nap...

Saturday, March 7, 2009

Tough Day

Today is one of those days that when I woke up I already wished it was over. Navigating this maze of my relationship with Hubby wears me out.

It is frustrating to try explain things as I see them only to realize he heard NONE OF IT. One of the things I am struggling with is that I feel a need to completely disconnect from Hubby and my marriage if I am going to stay sane. Of course this is a short term need to be able to sort things out for myself. I tried to explain my confusion at the status of our relationship and my position.

He says it is because I haven't known what I wanted for a couple of years and that's why it is hard now. WHA?? This last couple of years I have been doing EXACTLY what I wanted...maybe if he paid attention and actually tried to understand what I wanted he may have been able to see that. I am having trouble trying to figure out how this fits together now, in my new life as a single woman, a single mother, a business owner...

When I try to point out the differences in our situations he thinks I am attacking him or expecting something from him. Why can't we just have differences? It's like talking to a two year old sometimes, "Well, what do you want me to do." I don't want you to do anything, I'm just stating my thoughts and opinions...

I cannot have a conversation with him in regards to any of this because he can't accept that I am only trying to figure things out for myself. In his eyes, all I am trying to do is get him back.

I asked him to commit to four counseling sessions together for understanding and some sort of closure. "So you still don't get it?" Is it wrong to want to find some peace? "Well, I'm guessing you have ulterior motives."

Maybe if he wasn't so damned paranoid he'd be able to see things for what they are. There was bound to come a time that I would be ready to move forward and that a mature couple would want to make sure all the i's are dotted and the t's crossed so they could each move in a positive direction.

It seems like he is waiting for me to go crawling to him begging forgiveness for completely destroying our marriage~~does he not see that we BOTH had a hand in the lack of communication and that HE took the reigns and drove it in the damned ditch when he decided to spend MONTHS pretending that his only problem was our sex life. As I look back through my journals and see the writing I did (and shared with him) it amazes me that he still thinks he can blame only me. I was very clear with what my issues were in the marriage, and when I thought we needed counselling I made that clear as well. I am tired of being thrown under the bus.

This new understanding is hard to swallow. How could I let him make me feel this way? We teach people how to treat us and unfortunately I screwed this one up all by myself letting him think that it was okay to blame all of our difficulties on me and 'my illness.'

I allowed myself to buy his reasoning that if it weren't for my depression then things would be fine. What about the impact of HIS depression? If it weren't for me not working...what about the impact of his career choices? What about his lack of concern for my wants and needs??? Screw him.

I don't think he's going to be happy with my choices as I move forward. I'm not sure how this will all play out because I worry about the effect of every single decision I make has on the kids. Part of figuring out my 'new normal' will be to make decisions that benefit me without regard to his reaction. As the father of my children I will continue to respect him, as my ex-husband I do NOT have to worry about how decisions I make to better myself will affect him.

Is he going to be able to be as 'big' as I have been? Is he going to be able to say without reservation, "...because this is what Mom and decided" if I decide to move to the cities or even Fargo??

Rant done...for now :)

Thursday, March 5, 2009

Don't say 'Seen' around me unless you know how to use it.

Did nobody else pay attention in third grade??

So many people use it improperly "I seen..." UGH

If you buy me enough to drink or lie and tell me how great I am enough times, I'll sing these songs at a karaoke bar

Just say what you really think already!!

If you can't say what you really think then please don't say anything.

I once heard that when the word BUT is used it negates whatever preceded it; "I was going to wash the floor but..." "I love you but..."

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

HI HO HI HO...nah, off to work is way too much to ask!

Last night was my first Unit Meeting at the house of our Independent Sales Director. Finally I get to meet the woman with whom I've traded 56 e-mails in less than three weeks. It was almost humorous that most of what she wanted to go over I already knew from reading through the information sent with my Starter Kit and doing research on the company website.

There was one other New Recruit who hadn't had the opportunity to become one with her kit! I almost apologized...I did explain that I was a Stay at Home Mom...without kids three full days per week with #5 being in Canada!

I don't think my director understands how much time I have on my hands right now nor the absolute need to occupy my mind with productive activities!

Today I mailed out 80 invitations to my Business Debut Party set for March 16. I have some in my purse to hand out at church tonight (to save a stamp).

Today I purchased a cell phone to replace the one I had under Hubby's plan....kinda feel like a big girl now; an individual bank account the other day, a phone today...what's next, a new car?? No, I'm just going to earn one of those from the Company! I am looking forward to purchasing some new clothes though!

On the subject of clothes...when I began my business I decided that I wanted to feel good about myself again and to begin to rebuild my self esteem. It's amazing how skincare and make-up can make a person feel. Within a day or two I knew I couldn't wait to start 'dressing the part.' Since then I have not once worn my nursing scrubs in public! I went to J C Penney's and found a great skirt on sale for under $10, bought some nylons, found the dress pants tucked WAY in the back of my closet, and went from there.

My thought is that I can 'look' my way to feeling better; how can I not feel a sense of pride when I look this good?! There are still stresses with our family situation right now that I am dealing with. It's only been a month since Hubby moved out. I think I have come to the conclusion that moping around with nothing to do isn't going to help anything so I better do something! I love it when people tell me, "Wow, you look great today."

"Thank you, I just became an Independent Beauty Consultant, here's my card! I'm having a Business Debut Party March 16th, you should stop by and see all the great new stuff they have!"

OMG, I've lost my f'n mind!! I'M A SALESMAN!!! NooooOOOOooooo

I guess there are worse things; I could be a congressman or senator. Well actually no, I can't. You see I am not a United Sates citizen. I am a Permanent Resident Alien...what a ridiculous sounding title.

When I went to pick up #4 from school today I walked into the classroom and one of his little friends says, "WOW!! #4's MOM" I said, "Hi Nathan, it's good to see you today." A few minutes later on of the Paraprofessionals came over and whispered in my ear, "Just so you know, those three little boys over there think you are hot." HAHAHA

Apparently they were trying to figure out which one would marry me! The teacher laughed when one finally asked for my hand and I told him I was already married. I looked over to the teacher and smiled as I snickered, "check back in six months." LOL

Well, off to church I go. I'm going to take my Satin Hands Pampering Set with me just to start spreading the word a bit!!

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

February Autopsy

So, here's February. It turned out pretty good thanks to my federal tax refund. I was able to pay off all but one credit card (4.4% interest)...of the $5909 I received, $5421.02 went to credit cards and plus $500 went to Hubby for personal spending. I can't believe people who make $35-40K/year and are broke beyond recognition. Maybe I should teach a budgeting class~

I'm guessing that March will be close as far as income from Hubby, I am hopping though that I can get a bit more in Food Support...tough to feed a family of 4 on $141/month. Good thing #5 was gone for 2 weeks (well, good for the budget...hard on my heart!)

In the Variable Expenses category, I have $725 budgeted for household. That includes groceries, toiletries, fees for school, gas, auto maintenance, dining out, and anything else that is not a bill. I no longer even carry my debit card with me because I know there is no money available so why risk the temptation? I need gas in the car and hope I can make it on $30 for the next two weeks. That should almost fill my tank so I should be okay. Church being 11 miles out of town really takes a hit on my gas tank...especially during lent with services twice per week!

Total income $7,881.20 $7,082.74

Total expenses $7,881.11 $7,750.33

Income-expenses $0.09 ($667.59)


Actual Budgeted
Salary 1 Salary/UIMN $642.41
Salary 2
$511.05 $700.00
Carry Forward/Social Services
$685.09 $340.09
Federal Refund
$5,909.00 $5,909.00
Other $133.65 $133.65

Total $7,881.20 $7,082.74

Withholdings Actual Budgeted


Total withholdings $134.00 $0.00

Percent of expenses $0.02

Finance Payments Actual Budgeted
$2,257.78 $2,257.78
Orchard 1 $411.31 $411.31
Capital One 1 $621.25 $621.25
Capital One 2 $151.00 $52.00
Orchard 2 $520.49 $520.49
Furniture $116.84 $116.84
Home mortgage $264.41 $264.41
Credit Card 1

$711.65 $711.65

Total payments $5,054.73 $4,955.73

Percent of expenses $0.64 $0.64

Fixed Expenses Actual Budgeted
Property taxes $325.00 $150.00
MCI $20.00 $20.00
Auto insurance $64.21 $64.21
Heat $130.00 $130.00
$100.04 $105.00
Cable TV $38.70 $38.70
Telephone $62.18 $62.18

Total fixed expenses $740.13 $822.09

Variable Expenses Actual Budgeted
$96.00 $725.00
Vehicle (parts)


Dining Out


Bank note
$747.51 $747.51

$500.00 $500.00



Total expenses $1,952.25 $1,972.51

Percent of expenses $0.25 $0.25

Sunday, March 1, 2009


I've had a couple very quiet days at my house. Both #3 and #4 spent Friday and Saturday night at Hubby's place. While a nice break; it is hard to enjoy when all I can think is that we should all be together. The stress is starting to show on #4. He now screams when it is time to come back here, flails his arms and legs when Hubby gets him ready to come home, and has an agonizing cry when Hubby leaves. I am dong my best to be strong for him, it is so hard when I want to stand up, and bitch-slap Hubby for causing this and allowing it to happen. How could anybody CHOOSE to let their child feel that kind of hurt and abandonment? Yes, I accept my contribution to the problems in our relationship, and I thought we were working on them...how could your kids not be important enough to stick it out until you know one way or the other...either you are ready to file for divorce or stay married...not "I just don't know yet."

Every Sunday #4 throws a fit when he has to get ready for church. I pick them up and we go out for Sunday school and church. Sure, he's fine once we get going...as long as I understand that, "I'm going to my dad's when church is finished." Would it be so difficult for Hubby to attend church one weekend? The kids need him and he is so turned inward that it's frustrating.

I know the kids want to be at their dad's because they miss him being here. I'm glad that we are the best parents in the world allowing them to deal only with their own issues surrounding the separation and not having to deal with the adult stuff. My shrink said we are doing an "uncommonly good" job of making sure the kids are getting their needs met. We have cushioned them from the trauma most kids face while going through something like this. I am very proud of us. It should be criminal cause your kids any undue hurt, anger, fear, or sadness during difficult family times.

Lately I wonder if I should be moving on...I don't want a divorce...so that answers my question as far as moving on...how am I supposed to cope living in limbo like this...not moving towards reconciliation or divorce.

As I continue to move forward, I wonder if I only want him back out of desperation and fear. I know I am in no condition emotionally to make a life changing decision. He told me he wants a divorce, who am I to doubt his word? He keeps telling me I don't know him like I think I do. Well, maybe I should take him at his word and move on. Obviously the effect this is having on me is of no consequence to him. He only shuts down emotionally whenever the kids show their true feelings.

"This is what's best." Only works on a teenager for so long...she wants answers (as does #4)...Why is this what's best? What went wrong? Why can't you make it work? Are we not worth trying to make it work? I can't answer those questions because I don't know. In my opinion he should have had the answers to those questions before he walked out that damn door and if they make him uncomfortable then TOO DAMN BAD.

Tomorrow I will complete my February Budget Autopsy...until then...go hugs your kids, kiss your spouse, and be thankful that they are all under one roof.