A fresh Start

Sunday was a day of peaceful reflection. Last week as we made preparations to lay our daughter to rest each step caused pain and brought peace. The flowers were absolutely perfect. The casket was perfect, the service was better than I could have imagined.

Have you ever seen anything more beautiful? We had enough room inside to put gifts for each of the four children we have lost. As we decided what to put inside it became obvious why Faith was given to us.

I have struggled for some time about why God gave us Faith Hope. I can clearly see why I have lost each of the children before her and I could not, for the life of me figure out why this pain and loss would be brought to me again. On Saturday it all came together; here's my theory.

Had my second pregnancy (Jordan Kelly) been carried to term I would not have met Hubby. At the time I met him I would have been a single mom with a very young baby and a toddler at home...not at the bar on a Tuesday night to play pool!

When we lost Sam, it was at a time in our marriage when I was the one looking for a divorce and well on my way out the door. Hubby had told me he wanted no more children (a deal-breaker we had discussed at length before marriage) and I was moving on with my life - as soon as the bills were paid off I was going to be gone. Along came Sam and taught us a very important lesson about love, and forever.

Thanks to Sam I was able to have the most wonderful 30th birthday imaginable. On that morning (April 9, 2004) I took a pregnancy test that was positive...eight months later we were blessed with #4.

In 2007 we decided to add one last child to our crew. We knew that #'s 1-3 would have their own lives and probably be long gone before #4 was old enough to enjoy having siblings. Both hubby and I had siblings and could not imagine #4 growing up as an only child.

About one week after the decision was official I began having pregnancy symptoms. We were so shocked to find we were already expecting and decided it must have been meant to be. We named that baby Peanut and called him our "meant to be baby." At our 11 week ultrasound there was no heartbeat, our baby was gone.

I resolved to continue to believe it was meant to be and that the pain would have some purpose.

If we had not lost Peanut we would not have been blessed with the miracle that was #5. We took a pregnancy test one month after the D&C procedure that came back positive. Immediately we went to the doctor who told us it was likely just left over hormones from the pregnancy. They took blood every other day for the next week...we were definitely expecting again.

At our appointment to verify the results, the doctor told us to not get our hopes up. There was no way my body was ready to carry a baby and it was called an "non-viable pregnancy." As the weeks went on we stayed hopeful yet cautious. I was four months from finishing nursing school and none of it was going to be overly strenuous.

At 13 weeks gestation our lives would once again be turned upside down. I took a bathroom break right before attending a post-clinical session. I was hemorrhaging. OMG...not again...not me...not now...not here. I calmly walked to the classroom and told my instructor what was happening and went downstairs to the ER. They sent me back upstairs to the OB unit who then sent me back downstairs because I was not yet 20 weeks.

The ER staff was less than stellar in regards to pregnancy complications and emotional care. My contractions were nine minutes apart, my husband was 12 hours away, I was alone. Hard to imagine it got worse at this point...my amniotic sac ruptured. I pressed the call light and was attended to by an ER Tech who had no idea what was going on. As he walked out I heard him tell the nurse at the desk, "She says, her water broke." Again I was left alone for what seemed like forever. The doctor eventually came in to examine me and what I remember the most was him telling me that he could not visuallize my cervix because there was too much bool and fluid.

When I pressed the call light because I needed to use the bathroom I asked the nurse to cath me (place a tube into my bladder to drain the urine so I wouldn't have to get out of the bed). She denied my request and said it wouldn't matter. The doctor was outside my room when I went to the bathroom and I told him my contractions had stopped. He shrugged his shoulders saying it was just because the pressure had decreased and they would start again as soon as the pressure built up again.

I was sent upstairs to spend the night. the next morning I was counselled about what would be happening: an ultrasound would be done to confirm "fetal demise" then a D&C would be performed. Well "BULLSHIT" said my baby!! The ultrasound findings were a shock to everybody. The baby had a strong heartbeat and the fluid had built back up to a reasonable level.

A "partial abruption with a retained clot" was the diagnosis. The doctor came in and looked very grim. My options were to have a D&C before going home, or going home to wait for the baby to die and return for the procedure "by the end of the week at the latest" (this was on a Tuesday). We were told this was now an "inevitable abortion" based on the events the night before. No pregancy could continue after an abruption of that size. Add to that the ruptured membranes and my baby's death was certain.

We decided to wait. I couldn't kill my baby. Even knowing how it would end; I was going to embrace everyday of this pregnancy. I needed time to process this.

Well long story short (or not so long) we now have a healthy, happy (most days) almost two year old. Every doctor involved with our care has dubbed him a miracle and for once I don't question them!

I'll tell more of his story later.

(((hugs)))

I've never been so sad

On November 1, 2009 at 2:00pm I will lay to rest my precious Faith. The casket is ordered and it is way to small to hold everything she means to me. The burial container will hold the pink trinket box where she sleeps on a bed of miniature pink rose petals.

My body wants to collapse in a ball of sobbing tears, I can FEEL the grief, I just can't experience it.

I am having such a hard time grieving for my baby girl. Just thinking about her brings tears to my eyes. With everything our family has been through I just can't openly grieve for this sweet innocent child. When I do, Hubby feels like he needs to comfort me, hold me, whatever...I don't want that. He damaged everything we were and this baby is mine, not ours. I'm sure the residual anger is what drives these emotions. Do I want him to feel guilty? Maybe. Do I want this to absolutely kill him, probably. As long as he suffers on his own time, not mine.

I just cannot completely embrace moving forward with him. He killed everything we worked so hard for. Without a second thought of what the long term consequences would be to our relationship as co-parents, the lives of our children, the damage done to the relationships with extended family members...nothing, he just walked in with a blow torch and flipped the switch.

There is one friend I wish could be with me to hold me on the day we lay Faith to rest and I know he will be there in thought and spirit. He will put his arms around me and hold me strong for my kids. I feel his love everyday, it keeps me strong. I miss him dearly. Thank you 'C' for being you, nobody understands me like you do and I know that when I pray for peace, God hears me and comforts you.

How will I know if I've gotten there??

The level of training available to new beauty consultants is great! There are classes on booking, hostess coaching, holding skin care classes, make up application, time management, money management...you name it, they have a class you can take either on-line, via teleconference, or on site. Directors are a wonderful source of information.

I just graduated a six week teleconference Exceptional Booking Class. The information was very valuable and insightful. At the beginning there were 22, only three of us graduated! I'm sure it was the minimal assignments we were given each week that led to the extremely high drop out rate (87% ouch)
What I am seeing more and more of is these 'part-timers' in the business. Women who, for the most part, do no active selling. They place orders to fulfill their personal needs and, if people they had as customers are needing product, they will add that to their order.

One of the concepts is to not 'steal' each others customers. I struggle with this in many respects. As a customer, if my IBC was not concerned with my needs and I only filled in the cracks for her, I would welcome service from another consultant.

Last night I was out with Hubby and a woman took my business card and said she'd order from me as long as I didn't tell her IBC. I asked if she had problems and she stated that basically the only time she ever heard from her consultant was when she wanted her to place an order. I try to build relationships with my customers. I am interested in their families, work, hobbies, etc. I see people when I talk to my customers, not dollar signs. Isn't this how you build a customer base? Is it really all about money?? Am I crazy? (don't answer that)

If I am not satisfying my customer I HOPE they either tell me or find somebody who will...they pay good money to be recognized and appreciated. I ask how often they like to be contacted and follow through. I follow up on orders, give samples of products they may like to try based on products they've used in the past.

Business is booming

Well, my decision to begin a Mary Kay home business has been a blessing I would have never even considered had life not thrown me the curve ball it did in January. Who would have thought that something as simple as signing a contract and spending $100 would forever change my life??

When I first signed my contract I decided to completely embrace the Mary Kay concept and it has been very rewarding. I have always enjoyed dressing up and looking good. As a professional business woman, I now do this almost daily! People who have known me for years have made comments about how great I look and how surprised they are that I am an Independent Beauty Consultant...the tom-boy of all tom-boys now a professional beauty consultant!!

I grew up in a family of seven children; four boys, three girls...I always truly thought it should have been five and two. So for people who have known me my entire life are sometimes shocked yet always pleased that I have taken a new direction.

I still embrace my high levels of testosterone regularly, I just look damn good when I do it! LOL I love hunting deer in November, dressed in blaze orange camouflage clothing, I enjoy riding snowmobiles when it is -30 C while wearing my awesome sno-cross style helmet.

What is different? Well, every morning I use the TimeWise 3-in-1 Cleanser in the shower. Every third day I add the Microdermabrasion Step One while I'm in there...you have never felt anything like it and it is awesome! So I go through the entire 'skin care routine' and follow it with a little bit of color; not enough to look like the Beauty Consultants of the 70's and 80's, just enough to bring out my stunning eyes and wonderfully long lashes...my favorite genetic quirk...I have great lashes, as do my children. When #5 was in the NICU all the nurses were in love with his long eye lashes. Compared to #'s 3 and 4 he had none!! He had no eye brows, but damnit, he had lashes!!

The one thing I decided when I became a beauty consultant was to never be greedy about my income. I always offer some sort of deal on one or more items, and most orders recieve some sort of discount. I also offer the Gift With Purchase for every order over $40 (before taxes). Maybe this is why I may never become one of the millionare sales directors, but I have happy customers and that is more important to me than any recognition!

One of the avenues of income the comapny promotes is recruiting "qualified consultants". To be considered qualified consultant is by your recruit placing a $600 wholesale order in her first two months. It is my understanding that most people who decide to take on a home based business are those who are in need of money, not those who have a bunch to throw around.

If and when I decide to build a team of my own, I want to build it as a debt-free option. I would rather watch people build from the ground up as opposed to swimming in debt and become paralized with fear of how they are going to pay their mounting credit card bills.

This is definately one company where you can build from scratch and carry little or no inventory and still be successful.

I am afraid so many people have tried to make Mary Kay their very own "get rich quick" scheme that they seem to have lost the original purpose of Mary Kay which is "enriching Women's Lives". They are all about getting their qualified recruits and not much else.

I have read about women who feel taken by The Company with their tactics, what they fail to understand is that it was the recruiters and directors who have led them astray. When these so-called leaders pressure women to purchase inventory they can't afford, they are only hurting themselves in the long run. As a recruit who has no idea how to move her product, wold you really want to approach the woman who made you think this stuff sells itself to tell her you are having trouble making your credit card minimums?

Not me, I have made decisions along the way that I feel comfortable with and have no regrets. I do believe this stuff sells itself once you have a customer base. Many successful consultants have a great re-order business, as they should. We sell a consumable product. As long as customers like the product and are satisfied with the service you provide, you should never go out of business.

Our product retails for double my wholesale cost. There are bonuses based on order amounts (free product, jewlery, etc). With all this in mind you could easily make a 50% profit even after expenses. Me, I'm happy with 20%. I send my customers a monthly newsletter (not a company generated email) that showcases a different product every month plus highlights a sale or special I am having. I send out gift certificates for birthdays, happy anniversary cards, and well wishes when a family member is sick or celebrating. These add up, yep they do. But I am Enriching Women's Lives, not just my wallet, and THAT'S what important to me.

You can visit my website to place an order or cantact me directly with any questions or concerns. This month I am selling the Replenishing Serum +C for $30 (retail $55.00). As this is a 'company template' website I am not able to adjust my prices displayed on the site, I have to manually adjust the price when I make the invoice. Shipping is always free and I will give a 10% discount if you put FAMILYANDFINANCE as the code.

Have a great day!!

Back to the grind

Well, #3 started high school yesterday. I still don't know how or when I got old enough to have a high school kid!! (Denial with step-kids is ultra easy...no way am I old enough to be a grandmother!!) She came home in a good mood so it was all good...teenager gone all day and comes home in a good mood-the stars are aligned somewhere!!

Today I am busy looking for a job, changing diapers, doing laundry, and cleaning the house (well I will be now...I had to have a nap with the boys, it was hard work planning all this!!

Have a good day...

'Financial Peace University' was a helpful read

The making of a millionaire!!

It showed me several different ways people thought about money and it allowed me to tailor teachings for my teenager in a way that she could not only understand but also absorb.



My 14 year old daughter is already in the habit of saving no less than 20% of her earnings. She loves to watch it grow and I hope that it will be a seamless transition from babysitting to W2!!

YUCK

That's how I am feeling these days, YUCK. I am so unsure of everything that I have no idea which direction to head.

The decision to reconcile was based mostly on "mommy guilt." For any of you who have children out there you know what I am talking about. Everybody else just needs to know that "mommy guilt" is one of the deepest emotions a parent can face. It can make you do things you wouldn't otherwise do.

My kids are my world. I know how devastating a divorce would be on them; especially one with the bitterness of Hubby. He had the power to destroy our children and was doing a pretty good job of it...asshole.

The option to reconcile or continue on the path we were on caused me to put my own feelings aside, my own needs, and to just kind of fall back into my 'role.'

Well, as it turns out, I don't like this role. I was enjoying my new role as single parent. I was thriving. I was on my way to bigger and better things. Now, I feel stuck. YUCK

This all happened so fast that I don't even know some of it happened. Much of it took place during my far too brief pregnancy. I miss Faith a little more everyday and it hurts so bad...My heart breaks a little more each day. My tears are starting to fall finally and they sting. At night I dream I am still pregnant or that she is already here and I wake up crying. I want my baby back. I love you Faith.

Now I feel as though I have no option but to accept this choice I made because going through it all again would be so hard on the kids...but is watching their mother become an empty shell any better? The thing you need to remember when choosing the best of two evils and that they are both still evil...

I need an ice cream cone...peanut butter cup ice cream mmmMMMMMmmmm. I just may run and get one after the kids go to bed! Maybe then, even if only for a few minutes I can turn YUCK into YUM...

I had a tattoo thought today as well. A special version of a family tree. A branch with three butterflies (for my living children) and four caterpillars (for my children born much too soon). I'd put them in chronological order (B-C-C-B-C-B-C)...pretty neat I think if I do say so myself!!

Here we go again

Well, if somebody would have told me in January where I'd be today I would have laughed in their face. Yet here I am...emotionally scarred, hurt, pissed off, and all around confused.

Now that hubby wants to reconcile I just don't know how. I don't know how to get past the choices he made out of anger, greed, and whatever else he justifies it with.

We are living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, attending the same church, going over the same budget (although different from the last ones because he again has a new job. Thankfully this one actually pays enough to cover all the bills :).

I have officially completed my nursing education (or the beginning of it anyway). I took my licensure exam and passed! (YAY ME!!) I am now officially a 'real' nurse. I am an LPN. Now #4 can stop referring to me as "not a real nurse, just a Mom nurse!"

I am looing forward to finding a job. Would you believe nursing jobs are hard to come by in our area?!? No damn shortage here!! We have something like 4 nursing schools in a 200 mile radius so lots of people to fill positions and many of them looking just for the experience before they move on to bigger and better places (the pay here is also minimal).

As for the budget and debt reduction it's worse than it was when I started this blog. One of Hubby's cards that we paid off was used to pay his lawyer a retainer (maxed out). Plus he had to borrow an extra $700 from his brother to pay the rest of the retainer. Between the retainer and other services his lawyer is owed close to $7000. Where the heck am I supposed to find $7000??

My anger surfaces at times when I think of not only the stress and destruction he caused but also the addition of even more debt that we can't afford. Plus he ran up the other cards we had paid off. I am having an extremely hard time letting goof the anger surrounding this issue.

Our marriage counselor wants us to be spending a minimum of 30 minutes together doing enjoyable activities each week. This is not supposed to be 'flowers and candy' time, just simple things like a walk, a picnic, a card or board game. No expectations, and no kids...WHAT?? NO KIDS?? How can I justify taking time away from the kids to spend with a man I don't even know anymore?

In my eyes divorce is not an option. We owe it to our kids. I just don't know if I will ever love him as I once did. I don't feel connected to him emotionally. The father of my children, yes; my life partner, yes; the man I will spend the rest of my days with, hopefully. The person I can't live without...not so much.

I think what bothers me is that I don't even really care if we find what we have lost. I'm content to just live out my days as we are. I don't want to put forth the energy to fix what HE broke. I guess time will tell.

Summer is almost over

And here I sit; at my parents' house in Canada with #5 sleeping upstairs, #3 at her cousin's house, and #4 having at nap at a different cousin's place.

I am feeling extremely lonely and tired right now...so why don't I just go lay down and take a nap?? Good damn question!! Maybe I'll go do that.

I know I need to get back in to blogging. There has been so much going on and I feel so absolutley lost sometimes (like right now).

I wish everything was back to the way it was before life went crazy in January; although I was unhappy, I thought I knew where everything stood and how the rest of my life was planned.

Now I find myself in the middle of an emotional storm that seems to have no plans of moving on anytime soon...

If answering email was an exercise, I'd be in tip-top shape

I would be as skinny as most super models if the internet burned calories!!

I'll take a tattoo (because I can't have the real thing)

Caterpillars or butterflies

Although I'm not sure where I would place it, I would get four butterflies. Each butterfly would represent a baby I have lost. Baby Jordan's would be Ruby Red to signify the month of birth (July 16, 1996); Sam's would be green for his August Angelversary (August 5, 2003); Peanut passed in March so an aquamarine butterfly would carry that legacy (March 16,2007); Faith Hope was born and passed just seven weeks ago today would also be Ruby Red (July 9, 2009 weighing 1oz, 0.75 inches long).



Maybe (and I never even thought of this until right now) I could get four caterpillars instead, to bloom in to butterflies in heaven...



There is no heartbreak as deep as watching the heart of your child as it stops. There is no pain comparable to watching your baby and knowing you can do nothing to stop the inevitable...



I've seen renderings of children born too early. Nothing prepared me for the sight of my little girl at less than one inch long with arms, legs, fingers, toes, eyes, and ears already formed. So tiny, so delicate, so beautiful. In one of the pictures I took of her while we prepared her for burial her mouth is open slightly and it looks as if she is smiling; perhaps already aware that she is going to a better place...

Long time no talk...

I can't believe it's been almost 2 months since my last post...this is inexcusable!!

So much has happened that I'm not even sure where I am going to start.

Life is still a roller coaster that I wish would at least take a break!!

Thankfully all the kids are healthy and doing quite well. Now that school is out #'s 3&4 are in Canada visiting my family (and in no hurry to return home!) Next week #5 and I will go up there for a few weeks and then I will return home by myself to take a prep class so I can finally take the licensing exam to become a nurse.

After that it will be time to drag the kids home (#3 is trying to convince me that school up there would be good for her for a year). Then we'll get school shopping done and I will look for a job :( lol

Once everybody falls back into their routines and regular lives hopefully the roller coaster will at least not have so many loops!

I am praying next summer to not be so hectic and maybe even take a vacation with the kids...

Each day I am reminded that God is good and merciful. The strength He has empowered me with seems endless!!

WOW

I had no idea Hubby would turn into what he has become. I don't even know this man.

It has been so hard to even find some semblance of normalcy for the past 6 weeks or so. I know it's coming, I know eventually that everything will work out for the best...I just want to over now.

The Wednseday of the week of the hospitilization Hubby (have to think of a new name for him I guess...any suggestions?) came over and informed me he was moving back in. He hadn't stayed after I came home...he went back to his brother's house.

On Wednesday evening on my way back from church services I called him and asked him to not come over to put the boys to bed. I was in a bad mood, the kids were fussy...I said it was time to start acting like a separated couple and that we had agreed the bed-time visits were only to ease the transition for the children and we were going on 3 months. His response was that he had just as much right to be here with the kids as I did and he hung up.

When we got home he was already here waiting...watching TV. I got the boys ready for bed (wasn't that why he was here in the first place??) After the kids were in bed I noticed the TV on in the back living room so I went to turn it off and there he sat...he informed me he had realized how much his kids needed him to be here and that he was moving back home. This was not an attempt at reconciliation, just spite.

I tried to figure out how this was going to work; was there going to be two families in one house, who was in charge of meals, cleaning, laundry, etc, etc, etc. All I got out of him was "I don't want to discuss this tonight."

The next day he went and filed for an Emergency Order for Protection on behalf of himself and #'s 4 & 5. He claimed he was in fear of imminent harm and the order was granted. He filed the papers with the marital home as his address. With this information it was ordered I had to leave the home and have no contact with him or the youngest 2 children until a hearing could be held. I tried everything in my power to get somebody to hear that THIS WAS NOT HIS RESIDENCE...it would have to wait for a hearing.

As I removed the few belongings I could I decided to make my first 'bitch' move. Not only did I take the brand new 47" LCD TV I had bought him for Christmas; I took the remote control for EVERY TV IN THE HOUSE. He can't live without TV and no remote was just a message that I had not just laid down and died.

I disappeared from my boys lives completely for 12 days. I lived in hotels with #3, drove her 20+ miles to town for school everyday, and finally called a lawyer. They had two daycare providers in as many days...how could he even justify this was 'in the best interest of the children.' I was a stay at home mom...now Mom was gone, sissy was gone, dad was living in the house, and the one day #5 was sent to a stranger's house (by himself) for daycare...my poor boy. In the beginning stages of separation anxiety so lets rip his mother out of his life and leave him with strangers...yep...best interest of the children! dumb ass.

My boys missed all the activities at church through Holy Week, I didn't get to see or talk to them on Easter Sunday...how I satyed so strong and focused is a testement to my will and strength.

At the hearing he was pretty much laughed out of court. His take on it though was that the judge took the easy way out and through the order out just so he didn't have to deal with it...ya, judges often treat the safety of children with very little regard...get your head out of your ass...

When I got home he was here...the boys were at daycare...again. I went to get them and the daycare provider asked for a copy of the order dismissing the original order...I said if she wanted one to call the sheriff, mine was at home, and I was there to get my boys.

It just got better from there...he 'informed' me that he would be, "sleeping in that bed and using that bathroom." indicating the master bedroom and bathroom. Huh...me too I said...if he thought I was going to just roll over and let him make the decisions now he had lost his damn mind! When he realized I was not going to be told where to sleep and in which bathroom I could pee he decided to sleep on the couch. Initially he continued to use the master bathroom and bathe the boys in the jacuzzi tub. After a few days of me getting in and out of the shower while he was shaving, brushing his teeth, or getting dressed he quit using MY bathroom! After a couple weeks he finally moved in to the spare bedroom and installed a key lock on the door.

Every time I leave the house he goes in to our room, goes through my things, and takes whatever he wants.

I feel very happy that my medications are obviously doing their job because I am not a paranoid wreck, unable to leave my house...if he wants it...have it...get over it already.

I want my kids, MY house, and every penny I can get from him!

Just as I Thought

I admitted myself in to the hospital on Sunday to adjust my medication and ensure my continued health and strength. I knew I needed a boost of something to get over the rough spot.

The doctor increased one medication.

Last night Hubby came to see me after an appointment with his psychiatrist to tell me that he was moving back in to the home, filing for divorce and fighting for custody.

Thankfully because I had gone in to the hospital voluntarily I could be discharged to come home and take care of things. The staff was concerned about my stress level and the possibility of a conflict when I returned home and I assured them that if there was conflict I would not hesitate to seek outside assistance.

Of course Hubby said that he thinks me coming out of the hospital was a bad idea and that I only told the staff what I thought was necessary to get out of there. My health is too important to screw around with; I would not have left had I thought it not best. Also, I believe that the professionals who authorized the discharge have had enough experience to know when they are being snowed...even I'm not THAT GOOD!

When he left the house last night I immediately picked up the phone and called up to the hospital to let the staff know that I was okay and things were fine for the night.

This morning I called the hospital again to update them on my status and request a phone call from my psychologist to check in and let her know how it was going for me. I then made a call to social services to talk to the social worker our family has been working with. She was also concerned about my decision to leave the hospital and I reassured her the best I could that if I needed assistance I would not hesitate to ask. I have an excellent record of seeking out services for myself and my family when required. My mental health is not something I am ashamed of. I actively manage my illness with the help of medical professionals.

It is disheartening to think that my open and honest regard to my mental health would be used against me. It is no wonder some people choose to not seek services...and it was one of my concerns, that doing so would be somehow used against me. Society misunderstanding mental illness may come back to hurt me in a custody hearing. I am not willing to risk my health because of other people's misconceptions.

If I had cancer would this hospitalization even be an issue? Not likely. If I had diabetes and needed a medication adjustment would being admitted be held against me...doubt it.

I will continue to do what manage my illness however I need to in order to stay well. It's what I need to do for myself and my children.

Thunder Struck

I am very upset. I have spent the past two months trying to keep things as 'normal' in our house for myself and the children. I've rolled my eyes as many people have said that they couldn't do what I do and put up with all I have put up with; I roll my eyes because I'm not doing anything a parent who loves their kids shouldn't do...

The first few weeks were very difficult trying to sort out my emotions ensuring the needs of the kids are being met.

Now, here I am. The kids are at their Dad's place and I have slept the day away on the couch. The door is locked and I'm ignoring the phone when it rings. None of these are good signs as far as my emotional status is concerned.

I've noticed a downward trend in my health and of course played it down. Yesterday I finally contacted my doctor and he prescribed Atavan to see if it would help. So far it hasn't and I hate this.

My psychologist wonders if I need to be hospitalized; probably. I'm going to be gong through a nasty divorce and custody fight...being locked up in the loony bin ain't gonna look good.

She has tried to drill in to me that the alternative (not taking care of my mental health) is a mistake. On one level I get this. I understand. On the other hand, I am so afraid of being 'outed' and people are gong to think I don't deserve my kids, THEN WHAT?

State Programs

I applied today for assistance from the state. I qualify for food stamps and probably the Displaced Worker Program (DWP).

I'm not sure how DWP works exactly (I have to meet with another worker at the local Work Force Center). It's a four month program to help people enter or re-enter the workforce after long periods of absence. They expect you to spend 32 hours per week looking for employment. I am interested to see how they expect this from a single parent unable to find daycare for her children? Am I supposed to bring them with me?? Not very likely to get a job offer with a baby on your hip.

During DWP a family of four is eligible for a $621/month grant. Any child support received is deducted from this amount. Then they vendor pay utilities and such. If there is any money left over they can disperse up to $70.00 per family member as a cash grant. As long as hubby continues to pay the mortgage I will be getting the full $280.00 available for our family.

If I get a job within the four months the amount I make does not reduce my DWP grant; food support benefits will be reduced.

At the end of the four month program you then transition to the MFIP (Minnesota Family Investment Program).

I can't imagine what it will be like to have $280/month to spend! I'm gong to feel like a millionaire!

I'm not sure if I shared this yet; I received notification last week about a family fund that has allocated money to needy people in the area. I'm not sure how they decided or how many people are getting this money; our family is being awarded a $200 voucher. It can be used for clothing, diapers, gasoline, utilities, and/or food.

I have been trying to figure out which vendor I want it made out to. When I think of clothing I think $200 is an enormous amount of money considering I never buy anything that isn't on sale! I won't need it for utilities because the state will be paying for them. I have food stamps for food. I feel like using it for clothing is greedy or frivilious even though none of my kids have a decent outfit to wear. That's it...a 'nice' outfit for each of the kids (maybe even two nice outfits)! This is great timing because #3 has confirmation at the end of April and none of us have anything decent to wear!

The one condition attached to the voucher is that you have 14 days to redeem it. I have no idea how to spend that kind of money is such a short time anymore!! I am going to try to enjoy figuring it out though, a treat for all of us! Even if it is just one day, I am going to feel good about myself and enjoy shopping again...oh ya, never mind...I'll have the kids with me!! lol
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I know it's time to hire an attorney. I need to start puting protections in place for myself and my kids. I just can't do it.

I was thinking about this the other day and it hit me...I still love him. I cannot accept this new reality for our family. I am deeply in love with the man that I married. I want my husband back. I am lonely for him.

At the same time I just want to have a man in my bed and not just a one night stand. I want to have somebody to cuddle up with every night as I fall asleep. I want to reach my foot over in the middle of the night just to make a connection. I want somebody to tell me I am beautiful when me and my Medussa head crawl out of bed in the morning. I want to stand in a hot shower in the arms of my lover, my friend. When I get dressed up I want somebody other than #4's classmates to think I am hot!

UGH...I hate this. Hopefully I can work through these issues.

Living without cash

Now that Hubby has decided to not give me ANY cash, it is amazing how little my life has actually changed...this was quite the eye opening week for me.

He paid the mortgage payment ($264.41), the phone/internet, ($62.18), auto insurance ($64.21) and the furniture payment ($116.84).

When I mentioned things like toilet paper and diapers, he went out and purchased diapers and toilet paper...when I questioned his choice of diapers (Parent's Choice Brand) he commented that he could only buy what he could afford...rrrreeeeeeaaaaaaallly? So, your money only goes so far??? REALLY?? WOW!!

I have exactly $0.00 to spend on clothing, gas, dining out, entertainment, and whatever else people spend money on. It probably will come as a shock to Hubby that this is EXACTLY HOW I'VE BEEN LIVING FOR ALMOST A YEAR ALREADY!! The decision to no longer provide cash is a form of punishment. He is angry and hurt and does not have the intellectual ability to process his emotions in a manner other than that of a four year old...

On Wednesday, #3 told me she was out of hair gel and I needed to drive to the store (46 miles round trip) to pick some up. I told her that I did not have the cash available to make the purchase so she could chose to use my products, go without, call and ask her dad to pick some up for her, or use her own money to buy it (at triple the price) at the local convenience store. She did call her dad who couldn't help because he was out of town for work. I know she hasn't been using my products so I guess she's learning to live without! As for my products...I only use product on my hair on 'special occasions'. I have one bottle of spray gel that has lasted me almost four months already...not many special occasions going on in my world!!

Now that Hubby is back in town, I did ask him for garbage bags and coffee. I then told him that I will not be reduced to begging for the things we need in this house. I have filed for child support and have made the decision to cut wherever I can until the courts make their decision. He says that whatever bills he pays will be counted as child support by the court. Well, I called and the money he pays towards "certain necessities will be taken in to account when determining his arrears." I can't imagine any judge being impressed by his behavior!

I was also told that it can take MONTHS for the courts to make a decision. It amazes me that there are not faster reliefs in place for situations such as mine. I called the county and was told I have to drive to their office to reapply for benefits based on not getting any money from Hubby. I asked if they were going to send me a check. The worker, of course, said no. I asked if she was going to pick me up, and was again told no. Well then, how did she expect me to pay for gas to drive the 90 mile round trip? I am still waiting for an answer. Maybe by tomorrow (Monday) she'll have an answer...I sure hope so because I am out of food stamps and need milk and bread...the closest food shelf is a 46 mile round trip.

Let me get this straight...I have no money for food. The county requires me to drive 90 miles to apply for assistance. I cannot feed my children (or myself) yet they expect me to, what, pee in the gas tank???

I tell you what though, I sure am anxious to get to the end of the month and do the autopsy for March!!

I need a break

I have never imagined my life would be where it is right now.

It never occurred to me that I would end up a single parent again. If I had even imagined it a possibility I would not have had more children. I strongly believe children need both parents in the home. Mom here and Dad there isn't enough. It is not natural, it is not normal...it takes two to bring these children in to the world for a reason. It takes two to raise a child. The job is meant for both parents, not just one.

I love being a mom, it is what I was born to do. I hurt for my children having to feel pulled between two houses (an possibly no home). How do people expect children to grow to their full potential when they do not have the opportunity to plant a solid base? If you uproot a newly planted tree every other weekend and twice during the week guess what happens?? It cannot be sustained, even with the best of intentions.

I don't understand how people can make the decision with a clear conscience to force their children in to a situation they never asked to be in and think 'everything will be just fine.'

I cannot bring myself to call a lawyer. I have not yet accepted the permanence of the situation. I'm in a very tough spot right now. Hubby has not taken any action (and is seemingly refusing to as he waits for ME to make the next move). I think he is enjoying the feeling of having power over me. I wish he knew that he has no power over me and that I could also make the first move to file...I could...but I 'can't'.

I believe my husband is very sick and I do not have the right to walk away from him...even though it was he who walked away...

His health is completely out of my hands. Understanding this is one thing, accepting it and standing here watching him get worse by the day is another...remember..."For better or worse, In SICKNESS and in health."

So yes, I need a break. I need to be able to completely disconnect from life for a few days and just find my footing again. This past two months have been a roller coaster bigger than either the one at WEM or Marineland. At least those ones I WANTED to be on :)

I would love to be able to go away for a week with the kids somewhere fun and exciting...anybody giving out trips to Florida?? The cost is obviously prohibitive.

Right now I don't even remember what my business goals are but here's what I am thinking RIGHT NOW:

1. Pay off credit card ($3500)
2. Build a financial cushion ($4000)
3. Save up enough to get the hell out of dodge for two weeks and maybe bring a babysitter ;)

Actually, I'd really just like to get the hell out of dodge for two weeks and not worry about everything else (including the financial ramifications) until I get back.

I hear Florida and North Carolina are nice this time of year. I wonder if I could do both in two weeks..........

Sorry

Just wanted to pop in and let you know I am still here.

I am battered, bruised, and nearly broken. The consequences of the mistakes I made this past week are beginning to become known. It is so difficult not being able to remember the details so I have no alternative but to wait it out. I have no idea what the next few weeks are going to bring for me and my children.

I cannot express my regret deeply enough. The processing of this new reality is taking a very big toll on me emotionally and physically. I am tired and very sad.

Here we go

Hubby has decided he can't and shouldn't have to supply financing for both houses. Remember way back I asked how long this would last...I guess you can say it never started because I did not receive the agreed upon amount in February and he has not yet 'decided' how much money he is going to give me. Instead of depositing ANY money into the checking account he paid the mortgage and took the rest of his check...I don't know if he cashed it or opened his own account; it doesn't matter to me. What DOES matter is that I have a total of 9 diapers and less than a quarter tank of gas in my car...when he took the kids for a couple hours tonight he asked for diapers and such and I replied that he'd have to figure that out by himself because I could not afford to supply both houses. When he returned I asked if I could have money to put gas in my car; he threw $50.00 on the counter and said, "Ya, I guess so." I'll buy diapers and put whatever is left in the gas tank I guess.

He's leaving for an extended trip for work so I hope no emergency arises while he's gone because I'll have no way to cover it...

I called and asked what I was supposed to do if a need arose while he's away and I needed money. His answer, "I don't know. Can I say good night to #4?" I let him say good night to #4 with the intention of finishing the conversation after they were finished. Well, as he some times does, #4 hung up the phone after he said good-bye. I tried to call Hubby back and now he is not answering his phone...pretty childish if you ask me! I left a message saying I had a question to ask and would appreciate it if he returned my call.

Ironic that this is actually the first paycheck he's had since he moved out that is more than $750.00 and now he has a problem paying. I know we talked last week about figuring something out so he has some money left. Now he says that HE will decide which bills he feels like paying over here and for the rest, maybe I should,"Get off (my) ass and get a job" to pay for the rest.

I guess my first priority now is to cut EVERYTHING that is not a necessity (such as cable TV)...guess that's the only non-necessity we have right now...better figure a few things out as far as trimming my budget even more...

I guess this is my punishment for getting drunk and taking my bubbling anger out on him. Yes, I was wrong for the things I do remember doing; and probably for the things I don't remember...We all screw up don't we?

My first reaction was one of absolute shock and amazement...really? Was he really okay with cutting his kids off financially? Does he not think I've been trying to figure out a way to make money? HELLO...did you miss the whole "home based business" thing??

After taking a few deep breaths, I'm a little better. That's fine, you let social services decide what you pay, I can guarantee you that they will be MUCH less willing to negotiate a dollar amount than I would have been.

OOPS

These past few days have not been very productive. I made some HUGE judgment errors and unfortunately don't remember a lot of the details.

I decided a long time ago that I could no longer drink alcohol. I do not know when to stop. I have proven it to myself time and time again; so finally I decided no more drinking. Some how I convinced myself that taking two bottles of wine to a book club meeting was a good idea...doofus.

I drank too much, made an absolute ass of myself, and probably sealed the fate of my marriage. Once again, I remember why I don't drink...

Another Busy Day

Not quite sure why but today seemed to fly on by and I think I missed it!! I took #4 to the dentist for a cleaning and I think that's where my clock went awry. We didn't have to get up and go right away so we were just hanging out this morning and then we got back and it was nap time, snack time, and now it's already passed bed time! Whew...I like to stay busy!

I am ready for my Business Debut next Monday. I am so excited while a little nervous at the same time. What if nobody shows up, what if nobody buys anything? What if nobody books a show?

My sales director mentioned about starting to book shows and I said that I thought it best to wait until the debut. I don't want to seem too pushy and put people off. I also know that the week of the debut is going to be very busy...

I am going to Winnipeg to pick up #5 this weekend, the debut is Monday night, Tuesday is our unit meeting, Wednesday is church, and Friday I am going to the Career Conference. I think it's best to let things fall in to place for the time being while still promoting my business and learning the ropes.

I'm trying to figure out some sort of incentive program for encouraging people to book parties. I know Easter, Mother's Day, Father's Day, graduations and proms are all coming up in the next few months, then it's wedding season. I want to be able to book a few appointments in the very near future (up to and including the first week of April) and then some near the end of April to take advantage of the upcoming celebrations.

To start with I would like to have at least two bookings per month. That way I can get my feet wet and build confidence as I go. Depending on how the open house goes next week I may start holding one per week right off the bat, you just never know.

I think I would like to set up a quarterly open house, or maybe even twice a year. This way people wouldn't have the imposition of putting on a party and they would get to see the new products; we'll see.

One idea I saw in the training material is to set up a 'Mystery Hostess' show at my house and have a drawing to determine who receives the hostess rewards. Maybe I could do it at the church one day.

One of the 'show' ideas is to have a customer hold a 'Web Show' where there would be no actual party, the hostess would invite her friends and family to make purchases on my personal website on a specific day (usually a 24 hour period). I think this will work best for people who are already established customers.

Only time and will tell. I'm going to bed. I'll leave you tonight with a thought that has really helped easy my stress this past couple weeks.


"Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?...Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." (Mathew 6:27,34)

Will Sleep Return?

I didn't sleep well last night. What made it even worse was that there was nothing on TV to compensate. Everything on MSNBC was reruns, CNN had nothing interesting, and by the time I realized sleep and I would not be getting together last night it was too late to take anything to aid the process.

Yesterday took an emotional toll on my brain. It was just one of those 'is it ever gonna end?' days.

I took #4 grocery shopping at 6:00pm to pick up a few things I needed to finish making chili to serve after church. I accepted donations to go towards the March of Dimes and raised $43.00.

I have no idea what I even want to write today, I just know that I have to download.

I am so torn with moving on. On one hand it's a no-brainer; he doesn't respect me or our marriage and is showing no interest or effort to make things work. On the other hand this still isn't happening; we said for better or worse...what the heck happened? How can I walk away from a marriage I committed to forever...

Is it me walking out though? No, I'm right here, I haven't gone anywhere. Why do I feel guilty for puting an end to this limbo? You know why?? I'll tell you why.

I feel guilty because I always said "forever"...no ifs, ands, or buts. I struggle knowing that I may take steps that lead towards the end. I am tired of waiting for him to do something one way or the other. I can't control what direction he heads, I can control how it affects my life and my future. If he is so sure he wants a divorce why has he not done anything about it? Why has he not filled out the legal aid forms to get a lawyer? Why has he not filed any papers with the court? I think that he is waiting and pushing my buttons so that I am the one who makes the move because he's too damn chicken-shit.

When I hear myself think like that I wonder if these are rational thoughts or is it just anger and hurt talking. What if I make my decision and decide to hire a lawyer and file for divorce only to have him decide he'd rather stay married? Then it's 'my fault' we get divorced...bull shit...it's not my fault he walked out and abandoned me. It's not my fault he would rather make decisions in haste as long as somebody else does the follow through. It's not my fault he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

When I get mad I want to answer the kids' questions with brutal honesty...

"Why are you getting divorced?"

"Because your dad is an immature prick who thinks I will come crawling back and apologize for all his shortcomings as a man and a father."

"Because Daddy would rather put you kids through a divorce (breaking the one promise we vowed to never, under any circumstances, break) then face his own demons and look at his contribution to this mess we are in now."

More than once I've had to swallow that second answer...it's come real close at times, yesterday it may have even reached my lips had the question been asked.

I'm going to lay down with #4 and have a nap...

Tough Day

Today is one of those days that when I woke up I already wished it was over. Navigating this maze of my relationship with Hubby wears me out.

It is frustrating to try explain things as I see them only to realize he heard NONE OF IT. One of the things I am struggling with is that I feel a need to completely disconnect from Hubby and my marriage if I am going to stay sane. Of course this is a short term need to be able to sort things out for myself. I tried to explain my confusion at the status of our relationship and my position.

He says it is because I haven't known what I wanted for a couple of years and that's why it is hard now. WHA?? This last couple of years I have been doing EXACTLY what I wanted...maybe if he paid attention and actually tried to understand what I wanted he may have been able to see that. I am having trouble trying to figure out how this fits together now, in my new life as a single woman, a single mother, a business owner...

When I try to point out the differences in our situations he thinks I am attacking him or expecting something from him. Why can't we just have differences? It's like talking to a two year old sometimes, "Well, what do you want me to do." I don't want you to do anything, I'm just stating my thoughts and opinions...

I cannot have a conversation with him in regards to any of this because he can't accept that I am only trying to figure things out for myself. In his eyes, all I am trying to do is get him back.

I asked him to commit to four counseling sessions together for understanding and some sort of closure. "So you still don't get it?" Is it wrong to want to find some peace? "Well, I'm guessing you have ulterior motives."

Maybe if he wasn't so damned paranoid he'd be able to see things for what they are. There was bound to come a time that I would be ready to move forward and that a mature couple would want to make sure all the i's are dotted and the t's crossed so they could each move in a positive direction.

It seems like he is waiting for me to go crawling to him begging forgiveness for completely destroying our marriage~~does he not see that we BOTH had a hand in the lack of communication and that HE took the reigns and drove it in the damned ditch when he decided to spend MONTHS pretending that his only problem was our sex life. As I look back through my journals and see the writing I did (and shared with him) it amazes me that he still thinks he can blame only me. I was very clear with what my issues were in the marriage, and when I thought we needed counselling I made that clear as well. I am tired of being thrown under the bus.

This new understanding is hard to swallow. How could I let him make me feel this way? We teach people how to treat us and unfortunately I screwed this one up all by myself letting him think that it was okay to blame all of our difficulties on me and 'my illness.'

I allowed myself to buy his reasoning that if it weren't for my depression then things would be fine. What about the impact of HIS depression? If it weren't for me not working...what about the impact of his career choices? What about his lack of concern for my wants and needs??? Screw him.

I don't think he's going to be happy with my choices as I move forward. I'm not sure how this will all play out because I worry about the effect of every single decision I make has on the kids. Part of figuring out my 'new normal' will be to make decisions that benefit me without regard to his reaction. As the father of my children I will continue to respect him, as my ex-husband I do NOT have to worry about how decisions I make to better myself will affect him.

Is he going to be able to be as 'big' as I have been? Is he going to be able to say without reservation, "...because this is what Mom and decided" if I decide to move to the cities or even Fargo??

Rant done...for now :)

Don't say 'Seen' around me unless you know how to use it.

Did nobody else pay attention in third grade??

Seen
So many people use it improperly "I seen..." UGH

If you buy me enough to drink or lie and tell me how great I am enough times, I'll sing these songs at a karaoke bar

If You Came Back From Heaven by Lorrie Morgan

ANYTHING by Reba McEntire

Last Name by Carrie Underwood

Just say what you really think already!!

If you can't say what you really think then please don't say anything.

BUT
I once heard that when the word BUT is used it negates whatever preceded it; "I was going to wash the floor but..." "I love you but..."

HI HO HI HO...nah, off to work is way too much to ask!

Last night was my first Unit Meeting at the house of our Independent Sales Director. Finally I get to meet the woman with whom I've traded 56 e-mails in less than three weeks. It was almost humorous that most of what she wanted to go over I already knew from reading through the information sent with my Starter Kit and doing research on the company website.

There was one other New Recruit who hadn't had the opportunity to become one with her kit! I almost apologized...I did explain that I was a Stay at Home Mom...without kids three full days per week with #5 being in Canada!

I don't think my director understands how much time I have on my hands right now nor the absolute need to occupy my mind with productive activities!

Today I mailed out 80 invitations to my Business Debut Party set for March 16. I have some in my purse to hand out at church tonight (to save a stamp).

Today I purchased a cell phone to replace the one I had under Hubby's plan....kinda feel like a big girl now; an individual bank account the other day, a phone today...what's next, a new car?? No, I'm just going to earn one of those from the Company! I am looking forward to purchasing some new clothes though!

On the subject of clothes...when I began my business I decided that I wanted to feel good about myself again and to begin to rebuild my self esteem. It's amazing how skincare and make-up can make a person feel. Within a day or two I knew I couldn't wait to start 'dressing the part.' Since then I have not once worn my nursing scrubs in public! I went to J C Penney's and found a great skirt on sale for under $10, bought some nylons, found the dress pants tucked WAY in the back of my closet, and went from there.

My thought is that I can 'look' my way to feeling better; how can I not feel a sense of pride when I look this good?! There are still stresses with our family situation right now that I am dealing with. It's only been a month since Hubby moved out. I think I have come to the conclusion that moping around with nothing to do isn't going to help anything so I better do something! I love it when people tell me, "Wow, you look great today."

"Thank you, I just became an Independent Beauty Consultant, here's my card! I'm having a Business Debut Party March 16th, you should stop by and see all the great new stuff they have!"

OMG, I've lost my f'n mind!! I'M A SALESMAN!!! NooooOOOOooooo

I guess there are worse things; I could be a congressman or senator. Well actually no, I can't. You see I am not a United Sates citizen. I am a Permanent Resident Alien...what a ridiculous sounding title.

When I went to pick up #4 from school today I walked into the classroom and one of his little friends says, "WOW!! #4's MOM" I said, "Hi Nathan, it's good to see you today." A few minutes later on of the Paraprofessionals came over and whispered in my ear, "Just so you know, those three little boys over there think you are hot." HAHAHA

Apparently they were trying to figure out which one would marry me! The teacher laughed when one finally asked for my hand and I told him I was already married. I looked over to the teacher and smiled as I snickered, "check back in six months." LOL

Well, off to church I go. I'm going to take my Satin Hands Pampering Set with me just to start spreading the word a bit!!

February Autopsy

So, here's February. It turned out pretty good thanks to my federal tax refund. I was able to pay off all but one credit card (4.4% interest)...of the $5909 I received, $5421.02 went to credit cards and plus $500 went to Hubby for personal spending. I can't believe people who make $35-40K/year and are broke beyond recognition. Maybe I should teach a budgeting class~

I'm guessing that March will be close as far as income from Hubby, I am hopping though that I can get a bit more in Food Support...tough to feed a family of 4 on $141/month. Good thing #5 was gone for 2 weeks (well, good for the budget...hard on my heart!)

In the Variable Expenses category, I have $725 budgeted for household. That includes groceries, toiletries, fees for school, gas, auto maintenance, dining out, and anything else that is not a bill. I no longer even carry my debit card with me because I know there is no money available so why risk the temptation? I need gas in the car and hope I can make it on $30 for the next two weeks. That should almost fill my tank so I should be okay. Church being 11 miles out of town really takes a hit on my gas tank...especially during lent with services twice per week!

	Total income	$7,881.20	$7,082.74
	Total expenses	$7,881.11	$7,750.33
	Income-expenses	$0.09	($667.59)
	Income
		Actual	Budgeted
Salary 1	Salary/UIMN	$642.41
Salary 2		$511.05	$700.00
Carry Forward/Social Services		$685.09	$340.09
Federal Refund		$5,909.00	$5,909.00
Other		$133.65	$133.65
	Total	$7,881.20	$7,082.74
	Withholdings	Actual	Budgeted
Overage		$134.00
	Total withholdings	$134.00	$0.00
	Percent of expenses	$0.02
	Finance Payments	Actual	Budgeted
Wamu		$2,257.78	$2,257.78
Orchard 1		$411.31	$411.31
Capital One 1		$621.25	$621.25
Capital One 2		$151.00	$52.00
Orchard 2		$520.49	$520.49
Furniture		$116.84	$116.84
Home mortgage		$264.41	$264.41
Credit Card 1		$711.65	$711.65
	Total payments	$5,054.73	$4,955.73
	Percent of expenses	$0.64	$0.64
	Fixed Expenses	Actual	Budgeted
Property taxes		$325.00	$150.00
MCI		$20.00	$20.00
Auto insurance		$64.21	$64.21
Heat		$130.00	$130.00
Electric		$100.04	$105.00
Cable TV		$38.70	$38.70
Telephone		$62.18	$62.18
	Total fixed expenses	$740.13	$822.09
	Variable Expenses	Actual	Budgeted
Household		$96.00	$725.00
Groceries		$72.99
Walmart		$25.75
Vehicle (parts)		$79.52
Ebay		$73.98
Gas		$75.77
Dining Out		$69.62
Kmart		$41.32
School		$19.70
Bank note		$747.51	$747.51
Hubby		$500.00	$500.00
Target		$40.00
Clothing		$46.09
DFA		$64.00
	Total expenses	$1,952.25	$1,972.51
	Percent of expenses	$0.25	$0.25

Update

I've had a couple very quiet days at my house. Both #3 and #4 spent Friday and Saturday night at Hubby's place. While a nice break; it is hard to enjoy when all I can think is that we should all be together. The stress is starting to show on #4. He now screams when it is time to come back here, flails his arms and legs when Hubby gets him ready to come home, and has an agonizing cry when Hubby leaves. I am dong my best to be strong for him, it is so hard when I want to stand up, and bitch-slap Hubby for causing this and allowing it to happen. How could anybody CHOOSE to let their child feel that kind of hurt and abandonment? Yes, I accept my contribution to the problems in our relationship, and I thought we were working on them...how could your kids not be important enough to stick it out until you know one way or the other...either you are ready to file for divorce or stay married...not "I just don't know yet."

Every Sunday #4 throws a fit when he has to get ready for church. I pick them up and we go out for Sunday school and church. Sure, he's fine once we get going...as long as I understand that, "I'm going to my dad's when church is finished." Would it be so difficult for Hubby to attend church one weekend? The kids need him and he is so turned inward that it's frustrating.

I know the kids want to be at their dad's because they miss him being here. I'm glad that we are the best parents in the world allowing them to deal only with their own issues surrounding the separation and not having to deal with the adult stuff. My shrink said we are doing an "uncommonly good" job of making sure the kids are getting their needs met. We have cushioned them from the trauma most kids face while going through something like this. I am very proud of us. It should be criminal cause your kids any undue hurt, anger, fear, or sadness during difficult family times.

Lately I wonder if I should be moving on...I don't want a divorce...so that answers my question as far as moving on...how am I supposed to cope living in limbo like this...not moving towards reconciliation or divorce.

As I continue to move forward, I wonder if I only want him back out of desperation and fear. I know I am in no condition emotionally to make a life changing decision. He told me he wants a divorce, who am I to doubt his word? He keeps telling me I don't know him like I think I do. Well, maybe I should take him at his word and move on. Obviously the effect this is having on me is of no consequence to him. He only shuts down emotionally whenever the kids show their true feelings.

"This is what's best." Only works on a teenager for so long...she wants answers (as does #4)...Why is this what's best? What went wrong? Why can't you make it work? Are we not worth trying to make it work? I can't answer those questions because I don't know. In my opinion he should have had the answers to those questions before he walked out that damn door and if they make him uncomfortable then TOO DAMN BAD.

Tomorrow I will complete my February Budget Autopsy...until then...go hugs your kids, kiss your spouse, and be thankful that they are all under one roof.

IT'S HERE, IT'S HERE!!!

Apparently all the planets were aligned yesterday in my universe. First, the mail-man came to the door and delivered me a box...the Financial Peace University kit I ordered on EBay three weeks ago finally showed up. I was so excited about digging in and getting to work.

Three hours later the UPS man came to the door with my inventory order! (I almost kissed him!) I couldn't wait to dig in to that one!

Then I had a thought...how telling that the same day Dave Ramsey takes over my life my largest business expense to date shows up?!

So, I opened my order, checked it for accuracy, updated my spreadsheet, and tried the Satin Lips product. I'd read about it and was SOOOO excited to try it because I have the most awful winter lips...ewww. WOW!! I knew immediately that I had to order more of those because once people tried them, there was no way they weren't going to order them! My lips felt like heaven!

Next thing I did was applied color to my face (finally, no more sample cards littering my bathroom! One of the bonuses I received was a complete set of make up (three eye shadows, eyeliner, a blush, lip liner, lipstick, lip gloss and brushes) chosen by the Company based on a profile you put in to the computer. I figured that they must know something about colors being as great as they are so i decided to use the colors they came up with.

I have never bought anything pink when it comes to make up and if somebody tried to see it to me I'd have laughed them off the face of the earth.; "Pink? Me? Are you Nuckin Futs?" Well, some Dusty Pink lip liner, Pink Shimmer Lipstick, and Melon Sorbet lip gloss and I am astounded!! Who knew pink could even look like this!

Today I tried the Microdermabrasion Set and was surprised and satisfied. I have never had microdermabrasion so I had no idea what to expect. I guess I was expecting something like a face scrub you buy at the store...umm no! As I applied Step One: Refine, it was like nothing I had ever experienced. It's almost like using a fine sandpaper...that sounds unpleasant; I just can't think of a more appealing description! I'll think of something...Step Two: Replenish felt so soothing on my freshly stripped skin...not stripped in a bad way, stripped of impurities and dead skin cells...good thing I'm not on their marketing decision team...'sand paper and stripped skin' probably wouldn't sell very many products!!

After using these products for less than a week I can already see and feel the difference in my skin. It is much more soft and looks great!

Immediately yesterday I called three friends to let them know I received my inventory and that they had to come try this Satin Lips. I almost sound like a damn salesman!!

I have two weeks until my Business Debut Party/Open House. I know I need to make some sales this week so I can buy more Satin Lips, Microdermabrasion Sets, and Satin Hands Pampering Sets. I also want to purchase samples to give out because I am convinced that after trying these products just once they will sell themselves!

My Sales Director sent out the monthly Unit Newsletter the other day. Of course being a new Independent Beauty Consultant nobody would expect to receive any recognition. There are various little recognitions for accomplishments in several areas. I have a really good chance of being at the top of the list for "Queen of Wholesale Production" for February...not bad for a newbie! I also had a $100 day. For each $100 day your name is put into a drawing...I had one of those in February too...

I was a little scared seeing the numbers of the other women in this unit. The numbers were not even close to what I plan to make...their numbers were about half of what I plan to do! Was I setting myself up for failure?? Were my goals unrealistic? No, I decided that I was just more driven and more determined to reach goals.

Of the people in our area that I know of who sell this product, not one of them is what I would consider active. They may be considered Independent Beauty Consultants, but they aer not business minded. It seems to me that they entered in to this business with the idea it would bring them money just by sitting back and waiting for the phone to ring with orders. Most of them place an order only every few months (usually to replenish their own needs...and oh, ya...do you need anything?)

Not me, I plan to THINK AND ACT LIKE A RETAILER. I am already talking to people, enlarging my network of friends, and pounding the pavement. I can't wait to get the business cards I ordered so I can hand them out with catalogs and samples! I plan to have an inventory available so my customers know that if they need or want something they can call and I can drop it off that day, or they can stop and pick it up any day of the week.

I WILL BE SUCCESSFUL, I WILL MAKE MONEY, I AM A POWERFUL WOMAN AND I AM FEARLESS.

Another new beginning?!

You'll never guess what I did. I decided to start my own home based business. Yep, me...the one who said I had absolutely no interest in EVER running a business of my own.

After last pay-day I think it finally hit me that I was going to have to step up to the plate and quit my whining about how broke I am and how much our family is struggling and do something about it. I could get a job...but then I'd have to find daycare, buy some clothes (sweats are not usually acceptable employment attire!), and all of that sounded like too much work!

A friend of mine started her home based business and suggested I look in to it. She gave me all the recruitment information and we talked quite a bit. I did my research and then some...for those who know me, you know I don't jump into anything without all the facts.

After some thoughtful prayer, deep thought, and much research I decided I would order the "starter kit" and decide from there. I knew the recruitment information would not have all the nitty gritty details and the small investment ($115.82) was worth my time.

The kit showed up and I was absolutely thrilled with the info and the opportunity. Enclosed in the kit was EVERYTHING needed to get started; I actually made my first sale the following day for $108.63 retail! This immediately went towards my initial investment.

I wrote a business plan, made many business decisions (who knew I even had it in me!?) I talked with the Independent Sales Director and asked for guidance as far as how to start up and what step two was.

Now, don't get me wrong, I know how sales people talk and I can ferret out the truth from the hype. Like I said, I didn't just close my eyes and jump off the ledge.

We finally received our federal tax refund deposit and I immediately paid off all the credit cards I had planned to. Here's where my plan began to take a bit more shape. After looking over my business plan I decided that I would place an inventory order and get serious about making money. With a generous profit margin and various bonuses I decided this was worth a try.

My first order was developed over the next few days with the vision of not exceeding my set investment budget of $1000.00. Yes, this was going to be on a credit card...I know I said no more debt and that "just this once" turns in to once more, and once more...not me I say (as I'm sure millions of bankrupt people have said in the past). The order I placed was large enough to take advantage of the "new recruit bonus". Of the $243.50 retail value for this bonus, I will keep $113.5o for personal use, the rest is available for sale.

I've heard Dave Ramsey tell people there is no need to go in to debt to start a business; that the best way to grow wealth is to start at zero, not a negative number. You'd think I'd listened to him enough that it would actually stick in my head...apparently not!

So, now I have an investment budget of $1000 of which there is now $32.75 available. I have an inventory order worth $1705.09 retail on the way. I have made other business related purchases for things like office supplies that have made up the balance of my investment. It is my goal to have all the business debt paid in full within two months of my start date (February 13). From that point forward, it is my intention (and yes I know about intentions...) to operate a debt free business from that point forward.

Here are my business goals for my first year:

1. Pre-sell $300 (wholesale) before business debut. (March 16, 2009)
2. Break even on initial investment on or before April 13, 2009
3. Continue to operate my business with no additional debt. (My Investment budget was $1000.00; I have spent $1075.88 and taken in $108.63).
4. Make a net profit of $6000 before December 31, 2009.

I don't expect any of this to be easy or to just have money fall in my lap. I know I have to work, I know I have to get out there and pound the pavement, make phone calls, attend consultant training and unit meetings.

My first thought was that I was wondering how much money I could make with this business. Within a day I realized this was ineffective thinking. I needed to set a goal and reach for it. I couldn't sit back and expect this business to run itself! No wonder people fail. They hear the hype and the rhetoric, jump in and then sit back and wait...I wasn't going to wait, I AM NOT GOING TO WAIT. I set goals for myself. My profits will be spent as follows:

1. Church - 5%
   
2. baby Step 2 - 85%
   
3. Savings - 5%
   
4. Blow Money - 5%

As I am still operating in the red my first customer payment ($108.63) will be used to open a bank account. I will use this account for business use only. My first priority will be to pay back my investment debt. Fortunately, the credit card I used to make this investment had a zero balance so it will be easy to track any interest payments as a business expense. Then I would like to say that the next $5100 towards my personal debt, the following $300 will go to Savings, the next $300 to the church, and then $300 for 'blow money'. Any profit in excess of $6000 will go towards Baby Step #2. Once I have completed baby step #2, baby step #3 is to build an emergency fund equal to 3-6 months of living expenses...

1. Church - 10%
   
2. Baby Steps 2/3 - 70%
   
3. March of Dimes - 10%
   
4. Blow Money - 10%

Baby Step #4 involves investing 15% for retirement (depending on whether I am still married or not this amount can vary widely because I may be saving either just 15% of my income or 15% of the total household income...) Once Baby Step 4 is in place it is time to pay off the mortgage...

1. Church - 10%
   
2. Retirement - 15%
   
3. Short term savings -40%
   
4. March of Dimes - 15%
   
5. Blow - 20%

So, that's my plan. During our first conversation my Independent Sales Director asked what my ultimate dream would be if failure was not an option. I replied that I would never have to get a 'real' job, my family would go on a vacation every year, and we would live the rest of our life debt free!!

Anybody need a complimentary facial? ;)