Sunday, August 30, 2009

Here we go again

Well, if somebody would have told me in January where I'd be today I would have laughed in their face. Yet here I am...emotionally scarred, hurt, pissed off, and all around confused.

Now that hubby wants to reconcile I just don't know how. I don't know how to get past the choices he made out of anger, greed, and whatever else he justifies it with.

We are living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, attending the same church, going over the same budget (although different from the last ones because he again has a new job. Thankfully this one actually pays enough to cover all the bills :).

I have officially completed my nursing education (or the beginning of it anyway). I took my licensure exam and passed! (YAY ME!!) I am now officially a 'real' nurse. I am an LPN. Now #4 can stop referring to me as "not a real nurse, just a Mom nurse!"

I am looing forward to finding a job. Would you believe nursing jobs are hard to come by in our area?!? No damn shortage here!! We have something like 4 nursing schools in a 200 mile radius so lots of people to fill positions and many of them looking just for the experience before they move on to bigger and better places (the pay here is also minimal).

As for the budget and debt reduction it's worse than it was when I started this blog. One of Hubby's cards that we paid off was used to pay his lawyer a retainer (maxed out). Plus he had to borrow an extra $700 from his brother to pay the rest of the retainer. Between the retainer and other services his lawyer is owed close to $7000. Where the heck am I supposed to find $7000??

My anger surfaces at times when I think of not only the stress and destruction he caused but also the addition of even more debt that we can't afford. Plus he ran up the other cards we had paid off. I am having an extremely hard time letting goof the anger surrounding this issue.

Our marriage counselor wants us to be spending a minimum of 30 minutes together doing enjoyable activities each week. This is not supposed to be 'flowers and candy' time, just simple things like a walk, a picnic, a card or board game. No expectations, and no kids...WHAT?? NO KIDS?? How can I justify taking time away from the kids to spend with a man I don't even know anymore?

In my eyes divorce is not an option. We owe it to our kids. I just don't know if I will ever love him as I once did. I don't feel connected to him emotionally. The father of my children, yes; my life partner, yes; the man I will spend the rest of my days with, hopefully. The person I can't live without...not so much.

I think what bothers me is that I don't even really care if we find what we have lost. I'm content to just live out my days as we are. I don't want to put forth the energy to fix what HE broke. I guess time will tell.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Summer is almost over

And here I sit; at my parents' house in Canada with #5 sleeping upstairs, #3 at her cousin's house, and #4 having at nap at a different cousin's place.

I am feeling extremely lonely and tired right why don't I just go lay down and take a nap?? Good damn question!! Maybe I'll go do that.

I know I need to get back in to blogging. There has been so much going on and I feel so absolutley lost sometimes (like right now).

I wish everything was back to the way it was before life went crazy in January; although I was unhappy, I thought I knew where everything stood and how the rest of my life was planned.

Now I find myself in the middle of an emotional storm that seems to have no plans of moving on anytime soon...

If answering email was an exercise, I'd be in tip-top shape

I would be as skinny as most super models if the internet burned calories!!

Thursday, August 27, 2009

I'll take a tattoo (because I can't have the real thing)

Caterpillars or butterflies

Although I'm not sure where I would place it, I would get four butterflies. Each butterfly would represent a baby I have lost. Baby Jordan's would be Ruby Red to signify the month of birth (July 16, 1996); Sam's would be green for his August Angelversary (August 5, 2003); Peanut passed in March so an aquamarine butterfly would carry that legacy (March 16,2007); Faith Hope was born and passed just seven weeks ago today would also be Ruby Red (July 9, 2009 weighing 1oz, 0.75 inches long).

Maybe (and I never even thought of this until right now) I could get four caterpillars instead, to bloom in to butterflies in heaven...

There is no heartbreak as deep as watching the heart of your child as it stops. There is no pain comparable to watching your baby and knowing you can do nothing to stop the inevitable...

I've seen renderings of children born too early. Nothing prepared me for the sight of my little girl at less than one inch long with arms, legs, fingers, toes, eyes, and ears already formed. So tiny, so delicate, so beautiful. In one of the pictures I took of her while we prepared her for burial her mouth is open slightly and it looks as if she is smiling; perhaps already aware that she is going to a better place...