Here we go again

Well, if somebody would have told me in January where I'd be today I would have laughed in their face. Yet here I am...emotionally scarred, hurt, pissed off, and all around confused.

Now that hubby wants to reconcile I just don't know how. I don't know how to get past the choices he made out of anger, greed, and whatever else he justifies it with.

We are living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, attending the same church, going over the same budget (although different from the last ones because he again has a new job. Thankfully this one actually pays enough to cover all the bills :).

I have officially completed my nursing education (or the beginning of it anyway). I took my licensure exam and passed! (YAY ME!!) I am now officially a 'real' nurse. I am an LPN. Now #4 can stop referring to me as "not a real nurse, just a Mom nurse!"

I am looing forward to finding a job. Would you believe nursing jobs are hard to come by in our area?!? No damn shortage here!! We have something like 4 nursing schools in a 200 mile radius so lots of people to fill positions and many of them looking just for the experience before they move on to bigger and better places (the pay here is also minimal).

As for the budget and debt reduction it's worse than it was when I started this blog. One of Hubby's cards that we paid off was used to pay his lawyer a retainer (maxed out). Plus he had to borrow an extra $700 from his brother to pay the rest of the retainer. Between the retainer and other services his lawyer is owed close to $7000. Where the heck am I supposed to find $7000??

My anger surfaces at times when I think of not only the stress and destruction he caused but also the addition of even more debt that we can't afford. Plus he ran up the other cards we had paid off. I am having an extremely hard time letting goof the anger surrounding this issue.

Our marriage counselor wants us to be spending a minimum of 30 minutes together doing enjoyable activities each week. This is not supposed to be 'flowers and candy' time, just simple things like a walk, a picnic, a card or board game. No expectations, and no kids...WHAT?? NO KIDS?? How can I justify taking time away from the kids to spend with a man I don't even know anymore?

In my eyes divorce is not an option. We owe it to our kids. I just don't know if I will ever love him as I once did. I don't feel connected to him emotionally. The father of my children, yes; my life partner, yes; the man I will spend the rest of my days with, hopefully. The person I can't live without...not so much.

I think what bothers me is that I don't even really care if we find what we have lost. I'm content to just live out my days as we are. I don't want to put forth the energy to fix what HE broke. I guess time will tell.