I can;'t believe how long it has been since I have stepped foot on this blog.
Although much of life hasn't changed there have been changes that have changed our lives and the path we are on.
Finally we are using financial software to track our spending and have been saving regularly for the last few months. We have been giving more and more money to charity and it feels great to give.
In January I will post our 2011 ANNUAL BUDGET that I will base on last years numbers and a few assumptions I will make for the year. I am looking forward to 2011 and the greatness our family will accomplish!
I am starting to decide on family financial goals for 2011 and they look great. I think it will take more than a couple of family meetings to get the rest of the crew on board but it will be SO WORTH IT!
There will be much more giving and saving in our budget and I look forward to watching the amounts increase every month. Here's to 2011
Sunday, November 28, 2010
Sunday, June 6, 2010
I need to start a new blog
I wonder if sometimes this isn't more 'family' than 'finance' and maybe should start one of each...I'll definitely think about this today.
#3 is reading over my shoulder as I type...hi honey, I can see you!!
She's eating breakfast (must be nice at 11:41 AM)...I should make #'s 4&5 and dgd lunch...hmmm, where's Hubby?? Leftover beef stroganoff isn't hard to make!He's getting a bottle for dgd to have a nap, I'll do lunch, I could use some of that stroganoff myself!!
#3 is reading over my shoulder as I type...hi honey, I can see you!!
She's eating breakfast (must be nice at 11:41 AM)...I should make #'s 4&5 and dgd lunch...hmmm, where's Hubby?? Leftover beef stroganoff isn't hard to make!He's getting a bottle for dgd to have a nap, I'll do lunch, I could use some of that stroganoff myself!!
Saturday, June 5, 2010
May was good
I guess that's the best way to put it. I have not done an official financial autopsy and I just can't find the gumption to do one!
It's been a busy time in our house. Hubby has been working much more than regular and #1's daughter is living here (she's 14 months, just over a year younger than #5)...she is dgd. So we have added to our family for the time being and are enjoying the rewards of our involvement.
I started following FLYlady again. I had found her a few years ago and although I enjoyed the slow and steady pace she sets for people who are trying to find peace in their homes and lives, I couldn't "shine my sink" everyday or "get dressed to lace up shoes." There were also what seemed like a million e-mails cluttering up my in-box so I quit her.
This time I have come to learn that everybody has different needs when it comes to buildign their sactuary at home. My sink is clean 80% of the time when I go to bed because I unload it in the morning as part of my MR (morning routine) and load the dirty dishes into it as the day goes on.
The rest of my MR is showering, getting dressed, applying foundation (sometimes color), and making my bed.
I do not get dressed "to the shoes." I've tried it, it doesn't work for me. I can't wear shoes in my house. Others who follow her swear by their shoes, for me it becomes an easy excuse to do none of it (miss one step I might as well not do any was my old thinking). Now, if I can't be a FLYbaby because I don't wear shoes, then I'll just be thankful for the lessons I have learned and enjoy the rewards!
She encourages 15 minute sessions of decluttering and cleaning. IT WORKS! I started small, only five minute intervals and worked my way up. Adding a routine to these sessions has made a world of difference in our house and in my life! I could clean all day and never feel like I did anything; now if I set the timer for 15 minutes I know I accomplished something! I give myself the right to take a break.
I have set up a folder in my email to catch all the emails from her so it doesn't distract me from the chore at hand. Everyday there is a 'mission' to do in which ever 'zone' is the focus of the week (bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, etc). It is a short mission and makes it so easy to move through each of the zones with some semblance of organization. It is made clear that "You are not behind! I don't want you to try to catch up; I just want you to jump in where we are. O.K.?" This is nice to read because after missing a day here or there or 'falling off the wagon' for whatever reason that I don't feel like I have to go back and catch up...that's an overwhelming thought, never mind the TASK!
My house is becoming the place I have always wanted to live. More and more each day it feels welcoming and peaceful. I want my house to hug me as I walk through the door, and Hubby says it has already made a huge impact on his stress level and the 'never finished cleaning' feeling we have lived with for so many years.
We actually sat down yesterday and discussed the spending plan for June with great conversation. We talked about several things we want and need and began a dialogue on what we are going to spend our money on. With his extra hours we are bringing home almost double what we are used to so it's been great to not worry for once. I know I have to keep my head though because it's so easy to just 'spend until it's gone' without regard to the fact that it won't be like this for long! I need to return to the focus of paying off the credit cards and getting ahead so that times like this will bring blessings to others as opposed to just 'blowing' it...time to re-vamp the plan so I can take it to him tomorrow I guess!!
Maybe I'll do the Autopsy tomorrow.
It's been a busy time in our house. Hubby has been working much more than regular and #1's daughter is living here (she's 14 months, just over a year younger than #5)...she is dgd. So we have added to our family for the time being and are enjoying the rewards of our involvement.
I started following FLYlady again. I had found her a few years ago and although I enjoyed the slow and steady pace she sets for people who are trying to find peace in their homes and lives, I couldn't "shine my sink" everyday or "get dressed to lace up shoes." There were also what seemed like a million e-mails cluttering up my in-box so I quit her.
This time I have come to learn that everybody has different needs when it comes to buildign their sactuary at home. My sink is clean 80% of the time when I go to bed because I unload it in the morning as part of my MR (morning routine) and load the dirty dishes into it as the day goes on.
The rest of my MR is showering, getting dressed, applying foundation (sometimes color), and making my bed.
I do not get dressed "to the shoes." I've tried it, it doesn't work for me. I can't wear shoes in my house. Others who follow her swear by their shoes, for me it becomes an easy excuse to do none of it (miss one step I might as well not do any was my old thinking). Now, if I can't be a FLYbaby because I don't wear shoes, then I'll just be thankful for the lessons I have learned and enjoy the rewards!
She encourages 15 minute sessions of decluttering and cleaning. IT WORKS! I started small, only five minute intervals and worked my way up. Adding a routine to these sessions has made a world of difference in our house and in my life! I could clean all day and never feel like I did anything; now if I set the timer for 15 minutes I know I accomplished something! I give myself the right to take a break.
I have set up a folder in my email to catch all the emails from her so it doesn't distract me from the chore at hand. Everyday there is a 'mission' to do in which ever 'zone' is the focus of the week (bathroom, kitchen, bedroom, etc). It is a short mission and makes it so easy to move through each of the zones with some semblance of organization. It is made clear that "You are not behind! I don't want you to try to catch up; I just want you to jump in where we are. O.K.?" This is nice to read because after missing a day here or there or 'falling off the wagon' for whatever reason that I don't feel like I have to go back and catch up...that's an overwhelming thought, never mind the TASK!
My house is becoming the place I have always wanted to live. More and more each day it feels welcoming and peaceful. I want my house to hug me as I walk through the door, and Hubby says it has already made a huge impact on his stress level and the 'never finished cleaning' feeling we have lived with for so many years.
We actually sat down yesterday and discussed the spending plan for June with great conversation. We talked about several things we want and need and began a dialogue on what we are going to spend our money on. With his extra hours we are bringing home almost double what we are used to so it's been great to not worry for once. I know I have to keep my head though because it's so easy to just 'spend until it's gone' without regard to the fact that it won't be like this for long! I need to return to the focus of paying off the credit cards and getting ahead so that times like this will bring blessings to others as opposed to just 'blowing' it...time to re-vamp the plan so I can take it to him tomorrow I guess!!
Maybe I'll do the Autopsy tomorrow.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Lead, Follow, or Get Outta My Way!!
Well, I have a follower now so I guess I better "man up" and start writing more regularly!! I am almost finished the May Autopsy and will have to report to you by the end of the week.
I've been struggling a lot lately with our budget and just not having Hubby on board. I have so many thoughts that it should be easy to keep a blog...and I could write about anything...it IS my blog after all!! So why don't I?? Good question. One thing I have come to learn about myself is that I am terrified of success...how strange is that...scared of success, who is scared of success...and why?? I haven't figured it all out yet, but as I do, maybe I could get your help!
Thanks for the feedback.
I look forward to sharing many successes with you as we make this journey TOGETHER!!!
I've been struggling a lot lately with our budget and just not having Hubby on board. I have so many thoughts that it should be easy to keep a blog...and I could write about anything...it IS my blog after all!! So why don't I?? Good question. One thing I have come to learn about myself is that I am terrified of success...how strange is that...scared of success, who is scared of success...and why?? I haven't figured it all out yet, but as I do, maybe I could get your help!
Thanks for the feedback.
I look forward to sharing many successes with you as we make this journey TOGETHER!!!
Friday, April 30, 2010
Weak Tweaks
I am frustrated and seem to be running on a treadmill...maybe a hamster wheel is a better description because I feel like people watch me run my ass off for NOTHING.
March was an okay month as far as the budget goes. I just can't get Hubby to follow the written budget when he makes more than the 'required' amount ($1900). To him it is free money and therefor not real somehow. Like a credit card is invisible spending to so many, as is his above the line income.
His last paycheck was over $1800...it's a week until his next paycheck and we are BROKE. There is nothing left in the bank account...ugh. Knowing his check was going to be larger than normal, he pre-spent most of it, causing us to incur $112 in overdraft fees before the damn check even got here!!!
So now, I'm just angry and that is unproductive. Can I knock it in to him? Probably not a good idea...Maybe May will be better!!
March was an okay month as far as the budget goes. I just can't get Hubby to follow the written budget when he makes more than the 'required' amount ($1900). To him it is free money and therefor not real somehow. Like a credit card is invisible spending to so many, as is his above the line income.
His last paycheck was over $1800...it's a week until his next paycheck and we are BROKE. There is nothing left in the bank account...ugh. Knowing his check was going to be larger than normal, he pre-spent most of it, causing us to incur $112 in overdraft fees before the damn check even got here!!!
So now, I'm just angry and that is unproductive. Can I knock it in to him? Probably not a good idea...Maybe May will be better!!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Another Tweak...
Well, our spending was a little out of control for March. I did a few budget tweaks on paper and decided that as long as $950 of each paycheck was deposited in to the checking account there would be no reason to not have enough to cover the entire spending plan. So today that's exactly what I did, I deposited $950 and kept the extra $11.23...well I kept $11.00, #3 asked for the $0.23 to add to her March for Babies fundraiser for next year that she has decided to make an ongoing project.
This year our team placed second overall at the Grand Forks, ND event with one of our youngest members being awarded with the Top Youth Award. As it was my #4 who received this honor, #3 has decided next year it's all hers!! Should be an interesting season of raising funds next year with the three of us! It's pretty hard for people to say no to a five year old asking for money "For the March of Dimes and Babies because they helped #5 be healthy."
Anyway...back to my original reason for this post; changing how much money is deposited each pay day. We have not yet figured out the discipline part of sticking exactly to the budget, even if we have a few extra dollars. The extra money is supposed to go to the baby emergency fund and then when that reaches $1000 (again) then the excess should be gong to the debt snowball. So now, the money is going to be put in to an envelope and put in a drawer for now until it reaches a significant sum (whatever I decide significant means).
Hubby has what is considered an irregular income because he's paid per mile plus a fixed dollar amount for every stop he makes to load or unload freight. At $1900/month we have everything covered except for placing money in an account for annual expenses such as property taxes and insurance. Fortunately our insurance is less than $600/year and is due in July. He has three paychecks in July so that will cover that expense. For property taxes my plan for right now is to focus on the baby emergency fund and that should be built enough by May to pay the first half of our taxes and to repeat the process for the second half due in October. Eventually I would like to pay our auto insurance annually as well. One less payment every month is fine by me!
Our student loans are another cause of concern for me. We owe crazy amounts to student loan companies. I don't even have them listed in our debt snowball yet because they cause me to lose all hope of ever getting things paid off! We probably owe as much on student loan debt as we do on our home! They are all in deferment currently but that can't last forever...can it??
This year our team placed second overall at the Grand Forks, ND event with one of our youngest members being awarded with the Top Youth Award. As it was my #4 who received this honor, #3 has decided next year it's all hers!! Should be an interesting season of raising funds next year with the three of us! It's pretty hard for people to say no to a five year old asking for money "For the March of Dimes and Babies because they helped #5 be healthy."
Anyway...back to my original reason for this post; changing how much money is deposited each pay day. We have not yet figured out the discipline part of sticking exactly to the budget, even if we have a few extra dollars. The extra money is supposed to go to the baby emergency fund and then when that reaches $1000 (again) then the excess should be gong to the debt snowball. So now, the money is going to be put in to an envelope and put in a drawer for now until it reaches a significant sum (whatever I decide significant means).
Hubby has what is considered an irregular income because he's paid per mile plus a fixed dollar amount for every stop he makes to load or unload freight. At $1900/month we have everything covered except for placing money in an account for annual expenses such as property taxes and insurance. Fortunately our insurance is less than $600/year and is due in July. He has three paychecks in July so that will cover that expense. For property taxes my plan for right now is to focus on the baby emergency fund and that should be built enough by May to pay the first half of our taxes and to repeat the process for the second half due in October. Eventually I would like to pay our auto insurance annually as well. One less payment every month is fine by me!
Our student loans are another cause of concern for me. We owe crazy amounts to student loan companies. I don't even have them listed in our debt snowball yet because they cause me to lose all hope of ever getting things paid off! We probably owe as much on student loan debt as we do on our home! They are all in deferment currently but that can't last forever...can it??
Monday, March 22, 2010
Starting to see some progress
I had trouble knowing I have $1000 sitting in a bank account knowing we are paying almost 30% interest on one of Hubby's credit cards. I know I whined and cried about the security of the cash, but the number did me in. I paid off two credit cards with the mini emergency fund. I've heard that money management is 20% brain and 80% emotion...well my emotions are well withing the normal limits on this one!
Now I feel like I've made progress. I actually have two less payments to worry about every month. They weren't big payments, and with the snowball method our monthly expenses do not change, the minimum payments that were being paid to the cards I paid off will now to go the next debt in line. The longest it will take to be finished our debt snowball is next February and I can't wait...patience has never been a strong suit of mine!
The budget is working as good as can be expected. I still have trouble taking out a personal allowance. For some reason I just can't justify it! Hubby gets his allotment, the kids get theirs...so what's the problem? Maybe if I saw the money piling up I would spend it, but I doubt it. I told Hubby yesterday that things like paying off debt were more important than taking personal spending cash. There is always somewhere else in the budget that could use the $50/bi-weekly more than I need it (or want) it!
The options with $1300 each year are nearly endless in my mind!
I've been giving serious thought and prayer towards tithing to our church. Another quote I've heard, though I don't know who to give the credit is, if 10% can break you, your problems are deeper than you think. I know there have been months that we could be drowned by 10%, it has become obvious to me that God has given us more than 10% could ever make up for.
There is no price on salvation, God forgives all our sins and teaches us to forgive those who have sinned against us. When my days are done, it will not matter if I gave 10% or $0.10. What will matter is my willingness to learn His word and to live my life as God has planned.
There are some days where it is harder to forgive myself than it is to forgive those who have sinned against me. I have come to a point in my life where I believe God's plan for me is already in place and I am just 'along for the ride.'
This Sunday after Church #4 came and told me he wanted to go see Faith. We walked over to where she sleeps eternal and he talked to her as if she was sitting with us! How very touching to see a five year old believe in life everlasting.
While we visited and he 'decorated' (picking rocks off the road to place on her grave) I began to put more thought into the memorial stone I want placed. The ones I've seen with an angel standing in a hugging motion against the stone is the one that I like best. It's probably close to a $1000 touch...wow saying it out loud makes it seem almost not a good idea! Think of the difference we could make with $1000. We could give a sizable donation to our church or the March of Dimes that would mean so much to Hubby and I. Guess I'll have to put some serious thought and prayer into this one!
Hugs and Love,
Me
Now I feel like I've made progress. I actually have two less payments to worry about every month. They weren't big payments, and with the snowball method our monthly expenses do not change, the minimum payments that were being paid to the cards I paid off will now to go the next debt in line. The longest it will take to be finished our debt snowball is next February and I can't wait...patience has never been a strong suit of mine!
The budget is working as good as can be expected. I still have trouble taking out a personal allowance. For some reason I just can't justify it! Hubby gets his allotment, the kids get theirs...so what's the problem? Maybe if I saw the money piling up I would spend it, but I doubt it. I told Hubby yesterday that things like paying off debt were more important than taking personal spending cash. There is always somewhere else in the budget that could use the $50/bi-weekly more than I need it (or want) it!
The options with $1300 each year are nearly endless in my mind!
- Pay down debt
- Give to our church
- Donate to charity
- Quarterly weekend family getaways
- Save for a real vacation
I've been giving serious thought and prayer towards tithing to our church. Another quote I've heard, though I don't know who to give the credit is, if 10% can break you, your problems are deeper than you think. I know there have been months that we could be drowned by 10%, it has become obvious to me that God has given us more than 10% could ever make up for.
There is no price on salvation, God forgives all our sins and teaches us to forgive those who have sinned against us. When my days are done, it will not matter if I gave 10% or $0.10. What will matter is my willingness to learn His word and to live my life as God has planned.
There are some days where it is harder to forgive myself than it is to forgive those who have sinned against me. I have come to a point in my life where I believe God's plan for me is already in place and I am just 'along for the ride.'
This Sunday after Church #4 came and told me he wanted to go see Faith. We walked over to where she sleeps eternal and he talked to her as if she was sitting with us! How very touching to see a five year old believe in life everlasting.
While we visited and he 'decorated' (picking rocks off the road to place on her grave) I began to put more thought into the memorial stone I want placed. The ones I've seen with an angel standing in a hugging motion against the stone is the one that I like best. It's probably close to a $1000 touch...wow saying it out loud makes it seem almost not a good idea! Think of the difference we could make with $1000. We could give a sizable donation to our church or the March of Dimes that would mean so much to Hubby and I. Guess I'll have to put some serious thought and prayer into this one!
Hugs and Love,
Me
Monday, March 8, 2010
February 2010 Autopsy
Looking back it's easy for me to feel like I actually accomplished something good in February! Finances were finally put in order, debt is getting paid off, and an actual plan is in place!!
Total Income $11,715.71
Total Spending $11,026.08
Excess (deficit) $ 689.63
After paying all monthly bills and a few 'extras' (licensing fees for the ATV, parts for the pickup, a little bit of blow money for each of us, etc) there was actually money still left over! The best part is that the amount left over is almost as much as a regular paycheck!
Popular thought would be to take that extra $689 and put it towards our debt snowball. Well, I would like to be popular but prefer security over popularity right now! I simply advanced those dollars to March and began paying those bills. I scheduled the 'new' payment amounts based on the debt snowball calculation done earlier. It's amazing how much of a psychological job it is to stick to a plan!
Payday is this week and almost everything is already taken care of. Will I increase the debt snowball now?? Probably not. I'm likely to build a small cushion on top of the Baby Emergency Fund of $1000 already sitting in an online bank. If I'm still ahead of the game in April, then the snowball will reap the rewards.
It's funny about making larger than minimum payments towards debt. The "buyers remorse" I feel after hitting the submit button to make the payment is almost always gone before the confirmation page even loads! I feel anxious just at the thought of 'maybe just this time we can charge ~whatever~and it'll be different. ' I still get thoughts of, "Yes, I need this now...and if I wanted to save $15/month for 10 months so I can pay with cash I could...but I don't have to wait 10 months." Amazing that a princess like me can actually delay gratification!
If this keeps up, we can have our debt paid off much sooner than we had planned. I believe in our common goal. I believe in our ability to work together. I believe we are wonderful Stewards of God's Word and He is good.
Total Income $11,715.71
Total Spending $11,026.08
Excess (deficit) $ 689.63
After paying all monthly bills and a few 'extras' (licensing fees for the ATV, parts for the pickup, a little bit of blow money for each of us, etc) there was actually money still left over! The best part is that the amount left over is almost as much as a regular paycheck!
Popular thought would be to take that extra $689 and put it towards our debt snowball. Well, I would like to be popular but prefer security over popularity right now! I simply advanced those dollars to March and began paying those bills. I scheduled the 'new' payment amounts based on the debt snowball calculation done earlier. It's amazing how much of a psychological job it is to stick to a plan!
Payday is this week and almost everything is already taken care of. Will I increase the debt snowball now?? Probably not. I'm likely to build a small cushion on top of the Baby Emergency Fund of $1000 already sitting in an online bank. If I'm still ahead of the game in April, then the snowball will reap the rewards.
It's funny about making larger than minimum payments towards debt. The "buyers remorse" I feel after hitting the submit button to make the payment is almost always gone before the confirmation page even loads! I feel anxious just at the thought of 'maybe just this time we can charge ~whatever~and it'll be different. ' I still get thoughts of, "Yes, I need this now...and if I wanted to save $15/month for 10 months so I can pay with cash I could...but I don't have to wait 10 months." Amazing that a princess like me can actually delay gratification!
If this keeps up, we can have our debt paid off much sooner than we had planned. I believe in our common goal. I believe in our ability to work together. I believe we are wonderful Stewards of God's Word and He is good.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Getting ready for Autopsy
And I'm looking forward to dissection our crazy month of earning and spending. We have the money (or we had the money) and we followed through with the plan we had established. Now with March here I can rewrite the budget, maybe tweak is a better term. Tonight and Tomorrow I will get all the numbers together and see where we struggled and where we can improve.
Life is finally beginning to take a shape that I am satisfied with and am comfortable with. Should be clear sailing from here on out!!
Life is finally beginning to take a shape that I am satisfied with and am comfortable with. Should be clear sailing from here on out!!
Friday, February 26, 2010
Over half way there!
After making the regular monthly payments on our debts plus using our checks from the state and federal government we are 52% complete (not including our student loan balances). How nice it is to see things moving along!
The second column is the amount that was paid towards each of the debts. Some of the amounts are different from the original post just because they had to be updated after all the previous months payments posted. When I checked our online savings account it still had just over $10.00 so I just deposited enough to get to the $1000 mark.
When Hubby and I were looking at the debt repayment plan for the remainder of our debt he was shocked to see that we pay out $439.20 in debt repayment. "That's half a paycheck" he commented.
We then talked about how even though we paid off over $8000 our monthly payments hadn't changed much because only two cards with minimum payments were paid off. The rest was debt we'd just been ignoring...bad I know.
The other thing is that even if we had been making minimum payments, the whole idea of the debt snowball is that when one debt is paid you put that payment towards the next smallest debt. It does allow you a little wiggle room if you get into a pinch though.
As things stand now if we only continue to make the $439.20 our debt will be paid off in December 2011. It's comforting knowing that we will have $3896.71 left at tax time next year. We definitely won't receive the payments we did this year, but we should easily have that much. So realistically we will have our debts paid off February 2011at the latest! If I could choke out an extra $200/month we would only owe $1800...ugh, sometimes I just can't slow my brain down sometimes.
Imagine what we could do with $425/month!! I better not...my imagination would up and take me away and I have things to do this weekend!!
| Savings | 1000.00 | 989.14 |
| Lawyer | 2,480.32 | 2480.32 |
| NSB | 863.30 | 863.30 |
| Taxes | 1,711.81 | 1711.81 |
| Coop | 391.29 | 391.29 |
| CC 1 | 430.57 | 430.57 |
| CC 2 | 454.32 | 15.00 |
| CC 3 | 787.78 | 765.37 |
| CC 4 | 687.34 | 21.00 |
| CC 5 | 2,195.60 | 78.00 |
| Furniture Card | 2,489.04 | 117.00 |
| Vehicle Loan | 2,866.51 | 284.40 |
The second column is the amount that was paid towards each of the debts. Some of the amounts are different from the original post just because they had to be updated after all the previous months payments posted. When I checked our online savings account it still had just over $10.00 so I just deposited enough to get to the $1000 mark.
When Hubby and I were looking at the debt repayment plan for the remainder of our debt he was shocked to see that we pay out $439.20 in debt repayment. "That's half a paycheck" he commented.
We then talked about how even though we paid off over $8000 our monthly payments hadn't changed much because only two cards with minimum payments were paid off. The rest was debt we'd just been ignoring...bad I know.
The other thing is that even if we had been making minimum payments, the whole idea of the debt snowball is that when one debt is paid you put that payment towards the next smallest debt. It does allow you a little wiggle room if you get into a pinch though.
As things stand now if we only continue to make the $439.20 our debt will be paid off in December 2011. It's comforting knowing that we will have $3896.71 left at tax time next year. We definitely won't receive the payments we did this year, but we should easily have that much. So realistically we will have our debts paid off February 2011at the latest! If I could choke out an extra $200/month we would only owe $1800...ugh, sometimes I just can't slow my brain down sometimes.
Imagine what we could do with $425/month!! I better not...my imagination would up and take me away and I have things to do this weekend!!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
A good Map
I've already spent 51% of the state check. I paid off my credit card and started the emergency fund savings account. The federal money should be here on Friday so I'm going to have a GREAT weekend paying off debt!!
I almost booked a vacation yesterday...I sooooo deserve one! Hubby talked me out of it wanting to stick to the original debt repayment plan :(
I'm so glad the Baby Steps are written like a good map. There is even an "expanded baby steps" to break down each step into even smaller steps (for those of us who seem to be climbing the ladder of success ever so slowly).
Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. We attend a small church that is out in the middle of nowhere and has less than 200 members. For such a small congregation it never ceases to amaze me what a diverse group we are. Although the members range from poverty stricken to beyond wealthy, we really are a family...feuding included. For the most part it is a very healthful place for me. I look forward to the Lenten season each year. Hearing God's word more than once a week brings me such peace.
There's another reason I would like to live in a larger city. I could likely attend a church service of my denomination everyday. I just am so much more at peace at church (even when the boys are crawling over, under, and around the pew).
I almost booked a vacation yesterday...I sooooo deserve one! Hubby talked me out of it wanting to stick to the original debt repayment plan :(
I'm so glad the Baby Steps are written like a good map. There is even an "expanded baby steps" to break down each step into even smaller steps (for those of us who seem to be climbing the ladder of success ever so slowly).
Tomorrow is Ash Wednesday. We attend a small church that is out in the middle of nowhere and has less than 200 members. For such a small congregation it never ceases to amaze me what a diverse group we are. Although the members range from poverty stricken to beyond wealthy, we really are a family...feuding included. For the most part it is a very healthful place for me. I look forward to the Lenten season each year. Hearing God's word more than once a week brings me such peace.
There's another reason I would like to live in a larger city. I could likely attend a church service of my denomination everyday. I just am so much more at peace at church (even when the boys are crawling over, under, and around the pew).
Saturday, February 13, 2010
YAY!!
We received our state check today...aaahhhhhhhh. Can you feel the relief? All I'm going to do is deposit $1000 into an online savings account and let the rest sit until the federal check shows up. I think taking one step at a time as opposed to doing everything at once will be good for me. This way it's not going to feel like nothing was done. A succession of activities will be more psychologically rewarding.
I do wonder a little if I should only deposit $500 in to the emergency fund to quicken the pace a little...it only changes the 'finish line' by one month. I highly doubt that paying the extra $500 now would make me feel better than the anxiety shorting our savings account would cause. I guess that answers my question doesn't it?!
I am very happy that the federal payment will come at the same time (or close enough) to payday. Essentially I will have new decisions to make as far as who will get what money at payday as most of the credit cards slated for payment with the second paycheck will be paid already. The same amount of money will be going out each month, just where the money will be going is going to change.
We will be paying out $450/month for 15 months to complete Baby Step Two. Although we could hurry it up by using the third paycheck of the month he will receive twice this year, that money will be used for property taxes, home owners insurance, and Christmas shopping.
Time for a new budget again. Most of it I know by heart, I just need it in writing to actually show my brain that we'll be okay! I'll let you know how it works out!
I do wonder a little if I should only deposit $500 in to the emergency fund to quicken the pace a little...it only changes the 'finish line' by one month. I highly doubt that paying the extra $500 now would make me feel better than the anxiety shorting our savings account would cause. I guess that answers my question doesn't it?!
I am very happy that the federal payment will come at the same time (or close enough) to payday. Essentially I will have new decisions to make as far as who will get what money at payday as most of the credit cards slated for payment with the second paycheck will be paid already. The same amount of money will be going out each month, just where the money will be going is going to change.
We will be paying out $450/month for 15 months to complete Baby Step Two. Although we could hurry it up by using the third paycheck of the month he will receive twice this year, that money will be used for property taxes, home owners insurance, and Christmas shopping.
Time for a new budget again. Most of it I know by heart, I just need it in writing to actually show my brain that we'll be okay! I'll let you know how it works out!
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Settled Down (a little bit!)
I've relaxed a bit after my rant the other night. So maybe selling his pickup is not in our best interests right now...but $3000 cash just gets my juices flowing!!
So now I am back into my 'follow the budget and everything will be fine' mode of thinking. Nothing short of winning a major lottery will make this debt go away over night. I just have to remember that every little step counts and as long as we continue to chip away at it steadily the results will be noticeable.
I have to remember that our payments from both federal and state governments will be enough to not only catch us up but to pay a significant portion of our credit card debt.
I start to get worked up when I think about paying off this first $15,375.19 and knowing we have nearly twice as much in student loan debt to pay AFTER that. I wonder how people stay focused on the finish line when it is so far away.
I hear of people sacrificing luxuries for years to pay off debt...how? I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 12 months and people have done this for YEARS? That's what I call dedication. I have no doubts that we will get all this debt paid, I only wonder when will we be able to sit back, relax and finally not have any regular monthly payments other than utilities!
Pay day was today, maybe that's why I have been able to relax a bit. I love payday!
Tomorrow is Faith's due date. Although I am at peace with her passing, I miss her terribly.
So now I am back into my 'follow the budget and everything will be fine' mode of thinking. Nothing short of winning a major lottery will make this debt go away over night. I just have to remember that every little step counts and as long as we continue to chip away at it steadily the results will be noticeable.
I have to remember that our payments from both federal and state governments will be enough to not only catch us up but to pay a significant portion of our credit card debt.
I start to get worked up when I think about paying off this first $15,375.19 and knowing we have nearly twice as much in student loan debt to pay AFTER that. I wonder how people stay focused on the finish line when it is so far away.
I hear of people sacrificing luxuries for years to pay off debt...how? I don't know how I'm going to get through the next 12 months and people have done this for YEARS? That's what I call dedication. I have no doubts that we will get all this debt paid, I only wonder when will we be able to sit back, relax and finally not have any regular monthly payments other than utilities!
Pay day was today, maybe that's why I have been able to relax a bit. I love payday!
Tomorrow is Faith's due date. Although I am at peace with her passing, I miss her terribly.
Sunday, February 7, 2010
On Board...sort of
Well, Hubby just got a call from #1 (19 yo ds). A friend of his just had his pickup break down and offered $3000 for ours...CASH!!! Hubby said no. WHAT?!? I knew I should have taken the call!! The title would have been signed before the kid got here!
We could easily buy a clunker for him to drive back and forth to work for less than $1000 and use what is left to get closer to the end.
One of the things Dave Ramsey says is that to finish the first two baby steps ($1000 baby emergency fund and debt free except the house) is to sell anything and everything...sell so much that your kids think they are next. I have no problem with this concept; I elect to not cause an all-out war.
In my eyes, Hubby is okay with paying off the debt as long as he doesn't have to give anything up. He won't sell his pick-up, golf clubs, golf cart, guns, bow hunting stuff, anything. Maybe that can be our next 'in depth' conversation; what is he willing to do?
Being out of debt would bring me so much security. We could begin baby step three (building an emergency fund worth 3-6 months of expenses) and it wouldn't even take very long. Does my sense of security not matter? Why do material possessions mean more to him than the financial well being of our family (and our marriage). Does he not understand that everything can be replaced and not have debt tied to it? What if the house burned to the ground? What would be important then?
I'm going to make a list showing the value of everything we can sell and see if that makes any difference in his thinking...don't worry, I won't hold my breath!
We could easily buy a clunker for him to drive back and forth to work for less than $1000 and use what is left to get closer to the end.
One of the things Dave Ramsey says is that to finish the first two baby steps ($1000 baby emergency fund and debt free except the house) is to sell anything and everything...sell so much that your kids think they are next. I have no problem with this concept; I elect to not cause an all-out war.
In my eyes, Hubby is okay with paying off the debt as long as he doesn't have to give anything up. He won't sell his pick-up, golf clubs, golf cart, guns, bow hunting stuff, anything. Maybe that can be our next 'in depth' conversation; what is he willing to do?
Being out of debt would bring me so much security. We could begin baby step three (building an emergency fund worth 3-6 months of expenses) and it wouldn't even take very long. Does my sense of security not matter? Why do material possessions mean more to him than the financial well being of our family (and our marriage). Does he not understand that everything can be replaced and not have debt tied to it? What if the house burned to the ground? What would be important then?
I'm going to make a list showing the value of everything we can sell and see if that makes any difference in his thinking...don't worry, I won't hold my breath!
A Definite Plan (Maybe)
After going over the numbers last night (isn't that how everybody wants to spend their Saturday night) I think I've figured out a way to spend out tax return that brings some relief.
If the debts are paid in the following order:
Debt Balance
We will be able to bring all our bills current and pay off everything up to and including CC 5. This will be FIVE less bills each month, and I like that! I haven't figured out yet how long it will take to pay off the other two bills, but am pretty sure it would be within a year...if we can put $600/month towards the remainder then the final payment would be December 2010. Wouldn't that be a neat Christmas gift to ourselves!
Hubby did suggest (and I had thought about it earlier) that we pay off up and including CC 4 then take the kids for a weekend to the Mall of America. Yep, that would be fun, we've done it before and it was a great experience for the entire family. I just can't justify spending $600+ knowing we are trying to pay off debt. Is it so hard to grasp the concept of sacrifice and saving for things you want? I'm tired of being in debt. I want to be free to go places and buy things without the "I can afford X monthly payments" mentality. I don't want payments, I want a huge savings account. I want to build wealth and leave a legacy for my children. I want to be able to leave my grandchildren money for college. I want my children to learn that debt is dumb. I want to be able to pay for their college...
If the debts are paid in the following order:
Debt Balance
| Savings | 1,000.00 |
| Lawyer | 2,480.32 |
| NSB | 863.3 |
| Taxes | 1,711.81 |
| Gas Card | 391.29 |
| CC 1 | 430.57 |
| CC 2 | 443.33 |
| CC 3 | 787.78 |
| CC 4 | 700.00 |
| CC 5 | 2,211.24 |
| Furniture Card | 2,489.04 |
| Vehicle Loan | 2,866.51 |
We will be able to bring all our bills current and pay off everything up to and including CC 5. This will be FIVE less bills each month, and I like that! I haven't figured out yet how long it will take to pay off the other two bills, but am pretty sure it would be within a year...if we can put $600/month towards the remainder then the final payment would be December 2010. Wouldn't that be a neat Christmas gift to ourselves!
Hubby did suggest (and I had thought about it earlier) that we pay off up and including CC 4 then take the kids for a weekend to the Mall of America. Yep, that would be fun, we've done it before and it was a great experience for the entire family. I just can't justify spending $600+ knowing we are trying to pay off debt. Is it so hard to grasp the concept of sacrifice and saving for things you want? I'm tired of being in debt. I want to be free to go places and buy things without the "I can afford X monthly payments" mentality. I don't want payments, I want a huge savings account. I want to build wealth and leave a legacy for my children. I want to be able to leave my grandchildren money for college. I want my children to learn that debt is dumb. I want to be able to pay for their college...
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Tax Time
FINALLY...I've been procrastinating this last week. I've had all my paperwork finished, I just haven't been able to click the 'submit' button. Doing our taxes brings such mixed emotions. Between federal and state they hand us a ridiculous sum of money. Being a low income family we pay no taxes all year and still, they send us a check.
What bothers me about it is that this money would be enough to take my kids on the vacation I dream of this year AND next! Instead of being able to enjoy this money I'm busy writing out checks. Every penny will go towards our debt. Can I relax? Nope. I don't feel like we are getting anywhere. For the most part our monthly payments will not change as these bills have been the ones we have ignored for months. Even though I am committed to paying off our debt, paying these bills brings me no satisfaction.
Part of me wants to pay off the debts that we currently make monthly payments on just to have less bills to pay each month. The problem with that is part of the Total Money Makeover is getting current on everything and then paying everything else smallest to largest.
I realize, after listening to Dave Ramsey's radio show that our debt is no where near as bad as it could be and we will be paying roughly 22% of our total debt off within the next month. What about the other 78%, how long will it take to pay it off? How many more vacations do we have to postpone? I'm sure we could have it all paid off within a couple of years, I just can't see the light at the other end of the tunnel yet.
Maybe after a few more months of being okay financially I will make the corner and see the light...let's hope so!
What bothers me about it is that this money would be enough to take my kids on the vacation I dream of this year AND next! Instead of being able to enjoy this money I'm busy writing out checks. Every penny will go towards our debt. Can I relax? Nope. I don't feel like we are getting anywhere. For the most part our monthly payments will not change as these bills have been the ones we have ignored for months. Even though I am committed to paying off our debt, paying these bills brings me no satisfaction.
Part of me wants to pay off the debts that we currently make monthly payments on just to have less bills to pay each month. The problem with that is part of the Total Money Makeover is getting current on everything and then paying everything else smallest to largest.
I realize, after listening to Dave Ramsey's radio show that our debt is no where near as bad as it could be and we will be paying roughly 22% of our total debt off within the next month. What about the other 78%, how long will it take to pay it off? How many more vacations do we have to postpone? I'm sure we could have it all paid off within a couple of years, I just can't see the light at the other end of the tunnel yet.
Maybe after a few more months of being okay financially I will make the corner and see the light...let's hope so!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
Getting it Together
After talking with Hubby last night I still do not feel very reassured. I explained to him my feelings of wanting to live on Mac & Cheese to destroy our debt. He wanted to know exactly what that entailed.
I said no personal allowances, no 'blow money', no eating out, no extras AT ALL for six months minimum. Then I reminded him that spring is coming and he gave his Taylor Made driver to our daughter last year so he 'needs' a new one, and other little things that he may not realize...it's the little things that, if not prepared, can through you off he tracks faster than anything. Your first trip grocery shopping when you realize you DON'T get to stop for the latte you usually have, or having to come home and make supper even though you passed McDonald's on the way home and the kids begged you to stop.
I remember when I was on my own with #3. I was receiving welfare payments. When the money was gone, that was it. There was no credit card to buy X with. Every month we made it. Why is that so hard now? Should I not be able to deposit all of Hubby's paychecks into one account and withdraw a certain amount on the first of the month? For most people getting a month ahead to be able to do this would be hard, with our tax refund, it would be so easy.
Guess that means it's time for a new budget...again. Wish me luck!
I said no personal allowances, no 'blow money', no eating out, no extras AT ALL for six months minimum. Then I reminded him that spring is coming and he gave his Taylor Made driver to our daughter last year so he 'needs' a new one, and other little things that he may not realize...it's the little things that, if not prepared, can through you off he tracks faster than anything. Your first trip grocery shopping when you realize you DON'T get to stop for the latte you usually have, or having to come home and make supper even though you passed McDonald's on the way home and the kids begged you to stop.
I remember when I was on my own with #3. I was receiving welfare payments. When the money was gone, that was it. There was no credit card to buy X with. Every month we made it. Why is that so hard now? Should I not be able to deposit all of Hubby's paychecks into one account and withdraw a certain amount on the first of the month? For most people getting a month ahead to be able to do this would be hard, with our tax refund, it would be so easy.
Guess that means it's time for a new budget...again. Wish me luck!
Wednesday, February 3, 2010
A New Year, A New Us.
Just over a year ago I decided to begin blogging about my family and our decision to become debt free.
Well, we are still deeply in debt; almost exactly where we were at this time last year. From a goal standpoint we failed miserably, as a married couple we failed miserably, as parents we fell short in so many ways.
When I was trying to decide whether or not to continue this blog I had so many things to consider. Was it worth continuing a blog that nobody read that completely ran off the tracks less than half way through the year? Could I admit to myself, and anybody else who reads this that I may be in this by myself and just can't acknowledge it yet?
I decided I would continue. I need to be accountable for my actions over the past year, and accept that maybe I can't fix it all by myself. I am having difficulty admitting to myself (even as I write this) that the family is not all on board and without at least my husband 100% on board this is an exercise in futility. Unless and until we can agree on our financial goals, we are screwed.
Yep, even just typing it makes me angry and sad all at the same time.
Here is a listing of our current debts:
Debt Balance Monthly Payment
Student Loans 28,000.00 (approximately~currently in deferment)
As you can see, getting out of debt is going to take a lot more than just wishes and prayers. It's going to take planning, sacrifice, and dedication.
These are EASY for me. The planning I enjoy, the dedication I do not lack, the sacrifice is well worth it. Sacrifice is harder for some than others. Maybe I consider it easy because I'm not the wage earner.
I try extremely hard to understand the entitlement mentality. It's easy to understand that two people react differently to a given situation. It's my thought that because I had it all as a kid I really don't care as much about material possessions. I appreciate the fine things in life; what makes me different is I can do without them.
Can I get my family on board to live on Mac & Cheese for six months? That would be so much fun (weird, I know). I would love to challenge ourselves to see exactly how much of our budget we can cut and how much debt we can pay off in six months or a year. Maybe if I approach it that way I'll get more takers. Maybe a bribe is worth it...pay off "X" to receive a weekend getaway, pay off "Y" to receive a vacation to Disney World...the visual goal keeping would work wonders for the kids (and myself...I love visual aids!)
More on this tomorrow....
Well, we are still deeply in debt; almost exactly where we were at this time last year. From a goal standpoint we failed miserably, as a married couple we failed miserably, as parents we fell short in so many ways.
When I was trying to decide whether or not to continue this blog I had so many things to consider. Was it worth continuing a blog that nobody read that completely ran off the tracks less than half way through the year? Could I admit to myself, and anybody else who reads this that I may be in this by myself and just can't acknowledge it yet?
I decided I would continue. I need to be accountable for my actions over the past year, and accept that maybe I can't fix it all by myself. I am having difficulty admitting to myself (even as I write this) that the family is not all on board and without at least my husband 100% on board this is an exercise in futility. Unless and until we can agree on our financial goals, we are screwed.
Yep, even just typing it makes me angry and sad all at the same time.
Here is a listing of our current debts:
Debt Balance Monthly Payment
| Lawyer | 2,480.32 | 0 |
| NSB | 863.3 | 0 |
| Past Due Taxes | 1,711.81 | 0 |
| Gas Card | 300.00 | 0 |
| Vehicle Loan | 2,866.51 | 142.20 |
| Credit Card 1 | 430.57 | 15.00 |
| Credit Card 2 | 443.33 | 15.00 |
| Credit Card 3 | 787.78 | 50.00 |
| Credit Card 4 | 700.00 | 21.00 |
| Credit Card 5 | 2,211.24 | 78.00 |
| Furniture Card | 2,489.04 | 117.00 |
As you can see, getting out of debt is going to take a lot more than just wishes and prayers. It's going to take planning, sacrifice, and dedication.
These are EASY for me. The planning I enjoy, the dedication I do not lack, the sacrifice is well worth it. Sacrifice is harder for some than others. Maybe I consider it easy because I'm not the wage earner.
I try extremely hard to understand the entitlement mentality. It's easy to understand that two people react differently to a given situation. It's my thought that because I had it all as a kid I really don't care as much about material possessions. I appreciate the fine things in life; what makes me different is I can do without them.
Can I get my family on board to live on Mac & Cheese for six months? That would be so much fun (weird, I know). I would love to challenge ourselves to see exactly how much of our budget we can cut and how much debt we can pay off in six months or a year. Maybe if I approach it that way I'll get more takers. Maybe a bribe is worth it...pay off "X" to receive a weekend getaway, pay off "Y" to receive a vacation to Disney World...the visual goal keeping would work wonders for the kids (and myself...I love visual aids!)
More on this tomorrow....
Thursday, November 5, 2009
A fresh Start
Sunday was a day of peaceful reflection. Last week as we made preparations to lay our daughter to rest each step caused pain and brought peace. The flowers were absolutely perfect. The casket was perfect, the service was better than I could have imagined.
Have you ever seen anything more beautiful? We had enough room inside to put gifts for each of the four children we have lost. As we decided what to put inside it became obvious why Faith was given to us.
I have struggled for some time about why God gave us Faith Hope. I can clearly see why I have lost each of the children before her and I could not, for the life of me figure out why this pain and loss would be brought to me again. On Saturday it all came together; here's my theory.
Had my second pregnancy (Jordan Kelly) been carried to term I would not have met Hubby. At the time I met him I would have been a single mom with a very young baby and a toddler at home...not at the bar on a Tuesday night to play pool!
When we lost Sam, it was at a time in our marriage when I was the one looking for a divorce and well on my way out the door. Hubby had told me he wanted no more children (a deal-breaker we had discussed at length before marriage) and I was moving on with my life - as soon as the bills were paid off I was going to be gone. Along came Sam and taught us a very important lesson about love, and forever.
Thanks to Sam I was able to have the most wonderful 30th birthday imaginable. On that morning (April 9, 2004) I took a pregnancy test that was positive...eight months later we were blessed with #4.
In 2007 we decided to add one last child to our crew. We knew that #'s 1-3 would have their own lives and probably be long gone before #4 was old enough to enjoy having siblings. Both hubby and I had siblings and could not imagine #4 growing up as an only child.
About one week after the decision was official I began having pregnancy symptoms. We were so shocked to find we were already expecting and decided it must have been meant to be. We named that baby Peanut and called him our "meant to be baby." At our 11 week ultrasound there was no heartbeat, our baby was gone.
I resolved to continue to believe it was meant to be and that the pain would have some purpose.
If we had not lost Peanut we would not have been blessed with the miracle that was #5. We took a pregnancy test one month after the D&C procedure that came back positive. Immediately we went to the doctor who told us it was likely just left over hormones from the pregnancy. They took blood every other day for the next week...we were definitely expecting again.
At our appointment to verify the results, the doctor told us to not get our hopes up. There was no way my body was ready to carry a baby and it was called an "non-viable pregnancy." As the weeks went on we stayed hopeful yet cautious. I was four months from finishing nursing school and none of it was going to be overly strenuous.
At 13 weeks gestation our lives would once again be turned upside down. I took a bathroom break right before attending a post-clinical session. I was hemorrhaging. OMG...not again...not me...not now...not here. I calmly walked to the classroom and told my instructor what was happening and went downstairs to the ER. They sent me back upstairs to the OB unit who then sent me back downstairs because I was not yet 20 weeks.
The ER staff was less than stellar in regards to pregnancy complications and emotional care. My contractions were nine minutes apart, my husband was 12 hours away, I was alone. Hard to imagine it got worse at this point...my amniotic sac ruptured. I pressed the call light and was attended to by an ER Tech who had no idea what was going on. As he walked out I heard him tell the nurse at the desk, "She says, her water broke." Again I was left alone for what seemed like forever. The doctor eventually came in to examine me and what I remember the most was him telling me that he could not visuallize my cervix because there was too much bool and fluid.
When I pressed the call light because I needed to use the bathroom I asked the nurse to cath me (place a tube into my bladder to drain the urine so I wouldn't have to get out of the bed). She denied my request and said it wouldn't matter. The doctor was outside my room when I went to the bathroom and I told him my contractions had stopped. He shrugged his shoulders saying it was just because the pressure had decreased and they would start again as soon as the pressure built up again.
I was sent upstairs to spend the night. the next morning I was counselled about what would be happening: an ultrasound would be done to confirm "fetal demise" then a D&C would be performed. Well "BULLSHIT" said my baby!! The ultrasound findings were a shock to everybody. The baby had a strong heartbeat and the fluid had built back up to a reasonable level.
A "partial abruption with a retained clot" was the diagnosis. The doctor came in and looked very grim. My options were to have a D&C before going home, or going home to wait for the baby to die and return for the procedure "by the end of the week at the latest" (this was on a Tuesday). We were told this was now an "inevitable abortion" based on the events the night before. No pregancy could continue after an abruption of that size. Add to that the ruptured membranes and my baby's death was certain.
We decided to wait. I couldn't kill my baby. Even knowing how it would end; I was going to embrace everyday of this pregnancy. I needed time to process this.
Well long story short (or not so long) we now have a healthy, happy (most days) almost two year old. Every doctor involved with our care has dubbed him a miracle and for once I don't question them!
I'll tell more of his story later.
(((hugs)))
Have you ever seen anything more beautiful? We had enough room inside to put gifts for each of the four children we have lost. As we decided what to put inside it became obvious why Faith was given to us.I have struggled for some time about why God gave us Faith Hope. I can clearly see why I have lost each of the children before her and I could not, for the life of me figure out why this pain and loss would be brought to me again. On Saturday it all came together; here's my theory.
Had my second pregnancy (Jordan Kelly) been carried to term I would not have met Hubby. At the time I met him I would have been a single mom with a very young baby and a toddler at home...not at the bar on a Tuesday night to play pool!
When we lost Sam, it was at a time in our marriage when I was the one looking for a divorce and well on my way out the door. Hubby had told me he wanted no more children (a deal-breaker we had discussed at length before marriage) and I was moving on with my life - as soon as the bills were paid off I was going to be gone. Along came Sam and taught us a very important lesson about love, and forever.
Thanks to Sam I was able to have the most wonderful 30th birthday imaginable. On that morning (April 9, 2004) I took a pregnancy test that was positive...eight months later we were blessed with #4.
In 2007 we decided to add one last child to our crew. We knew that #'s 1-3 would have their own lives and probably be long gone before #4 was old enough to enjoy having siblings. Both hubby and I had siblings and could not imagine #4 growing up as an only child.
About one week after the decision was official I began having pregnancy symptoms. We were so shocked to find we were already expecting and decided it must have been meant to be. We named that baby Peanut and called him our "meant to be baby." At our 11 week ultrasound there was no heartbeat, our baby was gone.
I resolved to continue to believe it was meant to be and that the pain would have some purpose.
If we had not lost Peanut we would not have been blessed with the miracle that was #5. We took a pregnancy test one month after the D&C procedure that came back positive. Immediately we went to the doctor who told us it was likely just left over hormones from the pregnancy. They took blood every other day for the next week...we were definitely expecting again.
At our appointment to verify the results, the doctor told us to not get our hopes up. There was no way my body was ready to carry a baby and it was called an "non-viable pregnancy." As the weeks went on we stayed hopeful yet cautious. I was four months from finishing nursing school and none of it was going to be overly strenuous.
At 13 weeks gestation our lives would once again be turned upside down. I took a bathroom break right before attending a post-clinical session. I was hemorrhaging. OMG...not again...not me...not now...not here. I calmly walked to the classroom and told my instructor what was happening and went downstairs to the ER. They sent me back upstairs to the OB unit who then sent me back downstairs because I was not yet 20 weeks.
The ER staff was less than stellar in regards to pregnancy complications and emotional care. My contractions were nine minutes apart, my husband was 12 hours away, I was alone. Hard to imagine it got worse at this point...my amniotic sac ruptured. I pressed the call light and was attended to by an ER Tech who had no idea what was going on. As he walked out I heard him tell the nurse at the desk, "She says, her water broke." Again I was left alone for what seemed like forever. The doctor eventually came in to examine me and what I remember the most was him telling me that he could not visuallize my cervix because there was too much bool and fluid.
When I pressed the call light because I needed to use the bathroom I asked the nurse to cath me (place a tube into my bladder to drain the urine so I wouldn't have to get out of the bed). She denied my request and said it wouldn't matter. The doctor was outside my room when I went to the bathroom and I told him my contractions had stopped. He shrugged his shoulders saying it was just because the pressure had decreased and they would start again as soon as the pressure built up again.
I was sent upstairs to spend the night. the next morning I was counselled about what would be happening: an ultrasound would be done to confirm "fetal demise" then a D&C would be performed. Well "BULLSHIT" said my baby!! The ultrasound findings were a shock to everybody. The baby had a strong heartbeat and the fluid had built back up to a reasonable level.
A "partial abruption with a retained clot" was the diagnosis. The doctor came in and looked very grim. My options were to have a D&C before going home, or going home to wait for the baby to die and return for the procedure "by the end of the week at the latest" (this was on a Tuesday). We were told this was now an "inevitable abortion" based on the events the night before. No pregancy could continue after an abruption of that size. Add to that the ruptured membranes and my baby's death was certain.
We decided to wait. I couldn't kill my baby. Even knowing how it would end; I was going to embrace everyday of this pregnancy. I needed time to process this.
Well long story short (or not so long) we now have a healthy, happy (most days) almost two year old. Every doctor involved with our care has dubbed him a miracle and for once I don't question them!
I'll tell more of his story later.
(((hugs)))
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
I've never been so sad
On November 1, 2009 at 2:00pm I will lay to rest my precious Faith. The casket is ordered and it is way to small to hold everything she means to me. The burial container will hold the pink trinket box where she sleeps on a bed of miniature pink rose petals.
My body wants to collapse in a ball of sobbing tears, I can FEEL the grief, I just can't experience it.
I am having such a hard time grieving for my baby girl. Just thinking about her brings tears to my eyes. With everything our family has been through I just can't openly grieve for this sweet innocent child. When I do, Hubby feels like he needs to comfort me, hold me, whatever...I don't want that. He damaged everything we were and this baby is mine, not ours. I'm sure the residual anger is what drives these emotions. Do I want him to feel guilty? Maybe. Do I want this to absolutely kill him, probably. As long as he suffers on his own time, not mine.
I just cannot completely embrace moving forward with him. He killed everything we worked so hard for. Without a second thought of what the long term consequences would be to our relationship as co-parents, the lives of our children, the damage done to the relationships with extended family members...nothing, he just walked in with a blow torch and flipped the switch.
There is one friend I wish could be with me to hold me on the day we lay Faith to rest and I know he will be there in thought and spirit. He will put his arms around me and hold me strong for my kids. I feel his love everyday, it keeps me strong. I miss him dearly. Thank you 'C' for being you, nobody understands me like you do and I know that when I pray for peace, God hears me and comforts you.
My body wants to collapse in a ball of sobbing tears, I can FEEL the grief, I just can't experience it.
I am having such a hard time grieving for my baby girl. Just thinking about her brings tears to my eyes. With everything our family has been through I just can't openly grieve for this sweet innocent child. When I do, Hubby feels like he needs to comfort me, hold me, whatever...I don't want that. He damaged everything we were and this baby is mine, not ours. I'm sure the residual anger is what drives these emotions. Do I want him to feel guilty? Maybe. Do I want this to absolutely kill him, probably. As long as he suffers on his own time, not mine.
I just cannot completely embrace moving forward with him. He killed everything we worked so hard for. Without a second thought of what the long term consequences would be to our relationship as co-parents, the lives of our children, the damage done to the relationships with extended family members...nothing, he just walked in with a blow torch and flipped the switch.
There is one friend I wish could be with me to hold me on the day we lay Faith to rest and I know he will be there in thought and spirit. He will put his arms around me and hold me strong for my kids. I feel his love everyday, it keeps me strong. I miss him dearly. Thank you 'C' for being you, nobody understands me like you do and I know that when I pray for peace, God hears me and comforts you.
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