Tough Day

Today is one of those days that when I woke up I already wished it was over. Navigating this maze of my relationship with Hubby wears me out.

It is frustrating to try explain things as I see them only to realize he heard NONE OF IT. One of the things I am struggling with is that I feel a need to completely disconnect from Hubby and my marriage if I am going to stay sane. Of course this is a short term need to be able to sort things out for myself. I tried to explain my confusion at the status of our relationship and my position.

He says it is because I haven't known what I wanted for a couple of years and that's why it is hard now. WHA?? This last couple of years I have been doing EXACTLY what I wanted...maybe if he paid attention and actually tried to understand what I wanted he may have been able to see that. I am having trouble trying to figure out how this fits together now, in my new life as a single woman, a single mother, a business owner...

When I try to point out the differences in our situations he thinks I am attacking him or expecting something from him. Why can't we just have differences? It's like talking to a two year old sometimes, "Well, what do you want me to do." I don't want you to do anything, I'm just stating my thoughts and opinions...

I cannot have a conversation with him in regards to any of this because he can't accept that I am only trying to figure things out for myself. In his eyes, all I am trying to do is get him back.

I asked him to commit to four counseling sessions together for understanding and some sort of closure. "So you still don't get it?" Is it wrong to want to find some peace? "Well, I'm guessing you have ulterior motives."

Maybe if he wasn't so damned paranoid he'd be able to see things for what they are. There was bound to come a time that I would be ready to move forward and that a mature couple would want to make sure all the i's are dotted and the t's crossed so they could each move in a positive direction.

It seems like he is waiting for me to go crawling to him begging forgiveness for completely destroying our marriage~~does he not see that we BOTH had a hand in the lack of communication and that HE took the reigns and drove it in the damned ditch when he decided to spend MONTHS pretending that his only problem was our sex life. As I look back through my journals and see the writing I did (and shared with him) it amazes me that he still thinks he can blame only me. I was very clear with what my issues were in the marriage, and when I thought we needed counselling I made that clear as well. I am tired of being thrown under the bus.

This new understanding is hard to swallow. How could I let him make me feel this way? We teach people how to treat us and unfortunately I screwed this one up all by myself letting him think that it was okay to blame all of our difficulties on me and 'my illness.'

I allowed myself to buy his reasoning that if it weren't for my depression then things would be fine. What about the impact of HIS depression? If it weren't for me not working...what about the impact of his career choices? What about his lack of concern for my wants and needs??? Screw him.

I don't think he's going to be happy with my choices as I move forward. I'm not sure how this will all play out because I worry about the effect of every single decision I make has on the kids. Part of figuring out my 'new normal' will be to make decisions that benefit me without regard to his reaction. As the father of my children I will continue to respect him, as my ex-husband I do NOT have to worry about how decisions I make to better myself will affect him.

Is he going to be able to be as 'big' as I have been? Is he going to be able to say without reservation, "...because this is what Mom and decided" if I decide to move to the cities or even Fargo??

Rant done...for now :)