Update

I've had a couple very quiet days at my house. Both #3 and #4 spent Friday and Saturday night at Hubby's place. While a nice break; it is hard to enjoy when all I can think is that we should all be together. The stress is starting to show on #4. He now screams when it is time to come back here, flails his arms and legs when Hubby gets him ready to come home, and has an agonizing cry when Hubby leaves. I am dong my best to be strong for him, it is so hard when I want to stand up, and bitch-slap Hubby for causing this and allowing it to happen. How could anybody CHOOSE to let their child feel that kind of hurt and abandonment? Yes, I accept my contribution to the problems in our relationship, and I thought we were working on them...how could your kids not be important enough to stick it out until you know one way or the other...either you are ready to file for divorce or stay married...not "I just don't know yet."

Every Sunday #4 throws a fit when he has to get ready for church. I pick them up and we go out for Sunday school and church. Sure, he's fine once we get going...as long as I understand that, "I'm going to my dad's when church is finished." Would it be so difficult for Hubby to attend church one weekend? The kids need him and he is so turned inward that it's frustrating.

I know the kids want to be at their dad's because they miss him being here. I'm glad that we are the best parents in the world allowing them to deal only with their own issues surrounding the separation and not having to deal with the adult stuff. My shrink said we are doing an "uncommonly good" job of making sure the kids are getting their needs met. We have cushioned them from the trauma most kids face while going through something like this. I am very proud of us. It should be criminal cause your kids any undue hurt, anger, fear, or sadness during difficult family times.

Lately I wonder if I should be moving on...I don't want a divorce...so that answers my question as far as moving on...how am I supposed to cope living in limbo like this...not moving towards reconciliation or divorce.

As I continue to move forward, I wonder if I only want him back out of desperation and fear. I know I am in no condition emotionally to make a life changing decision. He told me he wants a divorce, who am I to doubt his word? He keeps telling me I don't know him like I think I do. Well, maybe I should take him at his word and move on. Obviously the effect this is having on me is of no consequence to him. He only shuts down emotionally whenever the kids show their true feelings.

"This is what's best." Only works on a teenager for so long...she wants answers (as does #4)...Why is this what's best? What went wrong? Why can't you make it work? Are we not worth trying to make it work? I can't answer those questions because I don't know. In my opinion he should have had the answers to those questions before he walked out that damn door and if they make him uncomfortable then TOO DAMN BAD.

Tomorrow I will complete my February Budget Autopsy...until then...go hugs your kids, kiss your spouse, and be thankful that they are all under one roof.