Will Sleep Return?

I didn't sleep well last night. What made it even worse was that there was nothing on TV to compensate. Everything on MSNBC was reruns, CNN had nothing interesting, and by the time I realized sleep and I would not be getting together last night it was too late to take anything to aid the process.

Yesterday took an emotional toll on my brain. It was just one of those 'is it ever gonna end?' days.

I took #4 grocery shopping at 6:00pm to pick up a few things I needed to finish making chili to serve after church. I accepted donations to go towards the March of Dimes and raised $43.00.

I have no idea what I even want to write today, I just know that I have to download.

I am so torn with moving on. On one hand it's a no-brainer; he doesn't respect me or our marriage and is showing no interest or effort to make things work. On the other hand this still isn't happening; we said for better or worse...what the heck happened? How can I walk away from a marriage I committed to forever...

Is it me walking out though? No, I'm right here, I haven't gone anywhere. Why do I feel guilty for puting an end to this limbo? You know why?? I'll tell you why.

I feel guilty because I always said "forever"...no ifs, ands, or buts. I struggle knowing that I may take steps that lead towards the end. I am tired of waiting for him to do something one way or the other. I can't control what direction he heads, I can control how it affects my life and my future. If he is so sure he wants a divorce why has he not done anything about it? Why has he not filled out the legal aid forms to get a lawyer? Why has he not filed any papers with the court? I think that he is waiting and pushing my buttons so that I am the one who makes the move because he's too damn chicken-shit.

When I hear myself think like that I wonder if these are rational thoughts or is it just anger and hurt talking. What if I make my decision and decide to hire a lawyer and file for divorce only to have him decide he'd rather stay married? Then it's 'my fault' we get divorced...bull shit...it's not my fault he walked out and abandoned me. It's not my fault he would rather make decisions in haste as long as somebody else does the follow through. It's not my fault he wants to have his cake and eat it too.

When I get mad I want to answer the kids' questions with brutal honesty...

"Why are you getting divorced?"

"Because your dad is an immature prick who thinks I will come crawling back and apologize for all his shortcomings as a man and a father."

"Because Daddy would rather put you kids through a divorce (breaking the one promise we vowed to never, under any circumstances, break) then face his own demons and look at his contribution to this mess we are in now."

More than once I've had to swallow that second answer...it's come real close at times, yesterday it may have even reached my lips had the question been asked.

I'm going to lay down with #4 and have a nap...